Whew.

I feel like I’ve been kind of quiet on here relating to IF stuff.

I guess nearing AND hitting AND passing the two mark has been pretty significant for me. In my brain.

It makes me so nervous inside. Over the weekend, I had a mini “photo shoot” with a friend who happens to be a photographer & beginning to rebuild his portfolio. We were pretty good friends in high school & have kept touch with him since then. He also moved right next to my brother in NC, so we always try to see each other when we’re in town. He’s also got a beautiful wife (who’s a nurse, too, so I can vent about nursing school & get advice & such) with an adorable baby boy.

Once we got in the car driving to different spots, conversation (inevitably) moved towards our upcoming IVF cycle. We have been VERY open with others about this. Since the beginning of the year, we were much more open about the infertility & struggle we were experiencing. Everyone close to us has been amazingly supportive & I guess that just kind of morphed into telling everyone about our next steps.

Because, deep down, I didn’t want to suffer alone. I wanted others to know it hurt & that I wasn’t ashamed of it. Infertility has really been rough (hmm, like I have to tell ya’ll? Duh) & I got to the point that I refused to let it rule my life. I think it makes other uncomfortable & some comments & my openness has embarrassed my hubby, but I just kind of am who I am. I try to not regret my actions or words.

But, now that it’s come closer… I feel so worried inside. I’m already devastated over a negative cycle. We have so much energy, hope, money, time invested in this ONE chance. Granted, 50-60% success rate is much greater than 0.5%. But, still. If it’s negative, it’s 100% negative for us. And I can’t even imagine telling my family or friends it didn’t work. They are so hopeful. I know they truly hope it works, but most of them have already made comments that it WILL work. It’s disheartening having to say it might not.

All that to get back to my conversation with photo bud…

“I bet you’re pretty excited, huh?”, he asks grinning. We’re connecting & excited for a fun day of photos. I love absorbing as much as possible from him… like how my sweet camera works (oh, besides reading through the Twilight series—which a friend just bought & will let me borrow & has been instructed NOT to let me at them until my ER, I decided I must haves PhotoShop to learn during the 2WW. I’m kind of looking forward to the 2ww in a way.).

Hmmm… eyes darting, do I lie & feign my excitement, when I feel dread? “Well, it’s weird, really… I’m so excited about it, that it makes me more nervous. I can’t quite explain it, but it’s almost bittersweet.”

We continued the conversation, but I know it was probably weird seeing my reaction. Like I wasn’t really thinking it would work. Obviously, we truly think there’s a chance it will work, but we aren’t unrealistic. It can work as much as it can’t. I feel like it’s something we have to do, cuz we’ll always wonder “what if”.

And I think while we were raising the money we needed, energy & thoughts were focused on that. Then, it was the countdown to IVF, from like 10 wks out. And I was so excited then. Nearer to 4 weeks… began the dread.

And I don’t think I can fully explain how I feel. I’m pretty sure some of ya’ll can understand what I mean.

It’s like right now, there’s a hope it will work. If it doesn’t, we kind of lost that hope.

I hate to wanna rush through life, but I so wish I knew the answer. I wish I knew what the result in 6 weeks will be. Wow… six weeks & my life will change, whichever way the results go.

How dreary, huh?

I am looking forward to the stims beginning. Cuz, like my bud told me, that I CAN control. And I’m sure time will fly by & I’ll be sitting on Christmas Eve & receive that call…

{any advice on this portion of the cycle & growing hope again when you already feel defeated is greatly appreciated... I do have some meditation-type CDs I will be trying soon & have read through Nurturing Yourself Through IVF & plan to re-read it for motivation, any other ideas?}