Been A While

I have planned to update the blog many times, but it is pretty much the same.

A roller coaster of emotions.

One day, I think I am close coming to terms with having a single child. I am amazed and grateful for the miracle he is, but it still hits me so hard when there are new pregnancy announcements or baby showers every other Sunday at church or counting down the weeks we have until our due date from our second, last, pregnancy.

Have I told everyone there are three friends due within three days of our due date? And it is less than five weeks away? And I have no idea how to get through it when I can't even think about it without breaking down a bit each time?

Back in the fall of 2008, while we prepared to cycle, we completed a MAPP course. In Florida, this is a ten week course anyone seriously interested in fostering or adopting through the State must complete before moving forward into a homestudy. Well, we are now about halfway through the homestudy to foster. My heart is not ready to consider adoption, but contemplating fostering.

I am still hoping to cycle once more through our clinic. The husband says he is open to talking more about it, but we never talk about it. I think he either secretly hopes it'll just happen or is deciding to be content with our family how it is.

Which, of course, I am happy with our family. I just ache for another child.

I have also drastically changed my eating habits and started walking more. Lost about ten pounds in the last month and plan to lose more in the months to come.

Guess that is about it...

Countdown...

We are stayed up in the hotel here in Jacksonville in anticipation.

We are to be at the clinic at 7a. We still have to sign some consents... the oocyte cryo as I was wondering if we might decide on possible embryo cryo if it looked like it might be a possibility. At this point, we are probably going to cryo some oocytes, but not embryos. It will be up to the FS to decide to fertilize two or three eggs. And I will be on pins & needles to even see if they will make it to transfer or not.

So, here is how we expect tomorrow to flow...

7a: arrive at clinic, sign consents, confirm payment for oocyte cryo, pre op stuff
8a-9a: procedure, doctor will discuss with Nick number of eggs retrieved, number of eggs that will be fertilized
9:30a: discharged, pick up meds from pharmacy to deliver back to clinic (loaned me some), head to hotel to meet MIL & baby to do breakfast & drive the 3+ hrs home

I am almost hoping to just sleep & then when I wake up, the next big step will be completed. We will know how many mature eggs we have to begin with. Our clinic gives fert reports the second day after transfer, so by 10a Wednesday morning, I will know if we have embryos, how many, & what day transfer will be.

Hope you all have a wonderful evening.

Retrival Scheduled

For Monday.

I only had ten days worth of stims, so cue the emotional craziness. Yesterday was a mess trying to get them for tonight & I was dreading this morning to rummage up the meds, but one of the IVF nurses called early this morning. One of the satellite offices had some meds I could borrow. I made the three hour round-trip this morning.

I am alternating between aggravation & calm-ness (okay, not a word, but ya get what I'm saying?)... more calm than I thought I'd be.

I am currently visiting my g'parents so DH is not here to give me the trigger shot. I am hoping it'll work out for my cousin to do the injection. I have read of others doing their own triggers, but any advice on that? I am not sure how logisticallly I could? We have to do in the booty... upper quadrant.

Otherwise, we are trying to reduce stress as much as possible. Went to the beach today & heading to the zoo tomorrow evening. It all still feels out of body. The doctor seems optimistic about the cycle based on our first IVF. He will decide Monday if he will have two or three eggs fertilized. I am not sure what we will cut off on the number of eggs to justify oocyte freezing... maybe four? We had most follicles in the 14-16 range, so I know there will be several many (most?) will be immature.

Better go. This evening was a reminder of making sure E gets a nap... tomorrow we will nap!

Almost to Final U/S

Had our 3rd u/s today and we still have 12 follicles on the right side & 6 follicles on the left side. Most of them seem to be in the same range of sizes, so that is good! I find out tomorrow morning when our next appt will be once the nurse consults with the doctor. Will probably be Thursday at the fertility clinic.

I also asked about the oocyte cryo & it'll be a little be extra money, but only half of what I thought. She said they'd freeze even 5 eggs, but hopefully we will have 8 or 10 to freeze over what is fertilized. Will talk more to the doctor on Thursday, but we are probably only going to have 3 fertilized at egg retrieval.

I am still feeling a bit uncomfortable, but thrilled we actually do have that many follicles. I know follicles don't equal mature eggs, but it's still over three times what we had last time.

Will update more later as we know.

For future reference; the sizes I caught of the follicles...
RT: 7,8,9,9,10,10,10,10,10 (missing three of them)
LT: 2,3,5,6,8,8

You Won't Believe It...

Because I still don't believe it.

At the scan, the technician counted 12 on my left side & 6 on my right side. All ranging in size from 2-10 with seven size 8s. Umm, that HAS to be wrong.

Here's why I think so... the technician that usually works for the satellite office was not in, so someone else did the u/s. I even asked if it was difficult to keep all the different "separated" so as not to confuse the same ones more than once. She was very sweet & replied "Yes, which is why I should stop talking & play closer attention".(I tend to ask a lot of questions!) We also only started with nine antral follicles & I carry the diagnosis of diminished ovarian reserve.

So, Monday is my next u/s with the normal technician, so maybe that will reflect a bit more accurately the number. I start Ganirelex Sunday morning, too. Appears we may still be looking at ER next Saturday or Sunday.

BUT, if that is correct, WOW! How in the world?! How is my body rocking out all these follicles? It may seem silly, but tue fact that literally everything is different this cycle makes me a bit nervous. If there are that many more eggs, maybe oocyte cryo would be an option.

We will just keep chugging along. I bought a comfy dress today to wear, my Mom bought some yoga pants for me, & we bought some jersey knit to make a skirt out of! I need gentle waistband clothing now! Pretty uncomfortable in any position & tire easily.

Wanted to update you all! Will post more later.

Three Days In

Three days of stims so far & I just started f.low today. Not heavy or anything, but I had cramps all night & most of the day. Also lots of ovary tenderness. Not sure if that's the meds or cycle starting. But, if it's the meds... it's huge! Last time, I didn't feel anything until nearly a week into stimming.

Tomorrow we have an u/s. Super early in the morning, but much better than driving to the clinic. It may take a bit of time to get the stuff set up with the hospital's lab, but I guess it'll be okay. It'll be odd to bring little E with me to the u/s + b/w, but it's just gonna be how it'll have to be.

I am trying not to overthink, but I am so anxious to find out how my ov.aries are doing. I'm sure no one else remembers, but we do not want to have any embryos cryo'ed. I know, I know, that completely limits any future success. Last time, we didn't produce enough eggs to even have that option, but it may be a possibility this cycle. Our clinic is actually a forerunner in the oocyte/egg freezing area, but am not sure how much extra it'll cost over the traditional cycle & if they will even freeze only 3 or 4 eggs. Before (2.5yrs ago), she said it takes, on average, 10 eggs to produce a live birth. But, I'd rather pursue that than just toss the "extra" eggs out. Depending on how tomorrow's appt goes & how many follicles we have then, we will see what we potentially will be working with. After that, I plan to call the oocyte cyro nurse to chat.

I'm sure there is something going on in there... it hurts to sit up or lean over, I have to recline most of the time! I say that & we'll only have 4 follies tomorrow! ;) Oh, well, we can only do what we can do!

I assume I will start the Ganirelix Saturday or Sunday. Has been nice to not have the Lupron so far. Better get going, little E has dragged his Fisher Price lawnmower on the bed...

Good Evening, All!

Photos

IVF Start Date!

So, we officially started IVF #2 today! And I am officially excited!

As far as antral follicles, I am starting with 4 on the right side and 5 on the left side. Am actually pleased with that. In May, there was only 7 for that cycle. I am scheduled for the next u/s on Friday taking 4 Bravelle plus 2 Menopur. The injection hurt the whole time! Like stung for about 20m following. That didn't happen with the first time around, but I assume the increased concentration of the injection.

Not too much more to report! Hope you all had a wonderful day!!

Retrieval Over

I think that was one of the quickest visits I've had at the clinic so far.

Got there shortly before 8am. They took me back & did my vitals around 8:15. Not sure what time I woke up, but I was back in the car right after 10am.

But, they only got 4. I cried the whole time in PACU.

Nick was told that they got 4 good eggs & 1 smaller one that may fertilize, though.

Hoping they all fertilize & get a chance to develop.

We hear back Thursday with all the details.

I'm not in pain, just a little weird sensation in my abdomen (not painful or uncomfortable), walking slow, not tired.

I'll be spending the rest of the day at home studying for my final exam tomorrow. Maybe running a few errands w/ my Mom (she'll be watching after me since Nick has to head to school for his last final exam this evening).

Will be able to post a couple more pics in the next couple of days.

A Quickie

Trigger wasn't that bad. I was so nervous... like leaning over the bathroom counter, gripping the faucet. Felt a little stick... I thought he freaked out & barely put the needle in... turns out, it was all the way in. Kept asking how much more & he said "lots" plenty ot times! LOL But, I was truly surprised at how little I felt. I could feel the medicine going in, but not painfully. It was tender a bit after & when I woke up this morning. Then got a "Happy Trigger" text from JJ... I was so giddy, girl, getting that! LOL!! We JUST finished & I was ready to talk about it!

Heading out to Jax in a bit. We'll be staying the night, then heading to the clinic.

We're supposed to arrive by 8am & retrieval's set for 9am.

A bit nervous, but happy to know that I will be knocked out somewhat.

Then it's back to town. Nick will drop me off to my Mom, who will then babysit me for the rest of the night! :)

And pick up our Christmas cards. I am going to try to force myself to NOT address them until after my final exam Wednesday, because I really need to spend any extra time preparing for that. Then, no school until Jan7! Nice.

We don't get the fert report until Thursday, which will also be when we find out when we head back for the transfer.

Ooooh, please let there be one or two to transfer back...

Have a nice night! I'll try to update as soon as possible w/ the egg info. Do they tell you same day the number of (suspected) mature eggs? Or is that after the fert report because they assume only the mature ones fertilize?

It's now hitting me how weird it is that I will be leaving my most treasured "belongings"... part of me... there. I'm already sad that we have to go away. Many prayers will be said & thoughts consumed with these little lives.

How crazy to always think of what's happening with your embryos at every moment. "Are they doing ICSI right now?" "Are they in the incubator now?" Wish we could be there in the lab just to watch over them dividing & reaching each milestone already. It may be the closest we ever become to parents.

Oh, definitely ice cream tonight. Even if it's just McD's or Dairy Queen for a sundae for my "light dinner". :)

Retrieval is Scheduled

Since I was not in pain for the last couple of days, I was pretty nervous about today's appointment.

In vain.

We have:

RT: 19, 19
LT: 14, 15, 19

Will take 3bravelle + 3menopur tonight, then trigger tomorrow at 10pm.

Gotta be back Tuesday morning at 8am to prep for the retrieval.

Doctor was pretty optimistic about the quality of the eggs.

Only disappointment is that we won't get a fert report until Thursday morning. Wish it could be Wednesday, but like JJ said... we don't want them to mess with the embryos more than necessary. The less they are bothered, the better.

Already putting the health of our potential children above what we desire. Aww.

I am trusting we will have at least 1 embryo to transfer. Maybe 2.

We will probably be looking 3d transfer on Friday. Which is fine with me... I'd thought 5d transfer before, but I'm thrilled with this.

Just wanted to update!

Trying Not to Worry

This is weird to me & I'm trying to be calm & trust that everything is still working how it's supposed to.

Tuesday & Wednesday: my belly was bloated, painful, from what I assumed growing follicles

Thursday & Friday: my belly is not bloated, doesn't hurt, and my initial assumption is that my follies have stopped growing.

I don't know if this is normal. Maybe something was going on in there that made it hurt so much, but it has resolved & since there's only 5ish follicles growing... it's back to normal.

Anywho... thought I'd run it by you all & see what you thought.

We're planning to head to Jax this evening, then have our 7:30 appt tomorrow.

Still hoping it's the 5 follies growing & trigger on Sunday evening. I'll definitely update with the info when I can!

We're Still On...

Well, we decided to continue. If this doesn’t work, I WILL be following Duck’s advice & get healthier. Even if we do not have a 2nd IVF, I will be healthier. Okay, I’ll still be healthy if this does work, but you all know what I mean! :)

When I mentioned the idea to Nick, he immediately shot it down. This may sound silly, but we have kind of felt this cycle was destined to be. The way the fundraising worked out, the timing of the cycle, the little affirmations along the way.

I got in the mindset of a bitter infertile. It’s been a while since I was THAT infuriated at what we have to go through for the chance. It’s hard to really believe that people get pregnant w/out all this. And I was so hurt and crushed by nothing more.

But, I can be thankful…

I have 6 follicles (one more than Sunday’s scan, remember?) w/ 5 at a good size at this time.

I do not have any dominant follicles. I can’t imagine how much it would hurt to be canceled involuntarily.

I am in pain with only 6 follies… I can’t imagine having twice or three times the amount.

We probably won’t have any embryos to freeze. Although it makes the success rate higher for subsequent transfer (and cheaper, yes), we were still very uncomfortable with having our potential children in frozen limbo. I was still very much hoping for 2 or 3 embryos to freeze, but we were just uncomfortable with it. So, now that option is pretty much out. Oh, and we’ll get a refund of $800 to help pay for the extra meds we hadn’t budgeted for!

If we do a 2nd fresh cycle, we know a different route to take. I guess the RE assumed due to my age that endo wouldn’t have affected my egg production that much… now they know it does. If we have a next time, they already know to start with more meds & no Lupron for me.

We have such a great support system. Our friends & family have been incredible. Absolutely incredible.

There IS hope. Cathleen had 2… she has a sweet little girl growing right now!

I have to say that I’ve got a new mind-shift this morning.

Yesterday was horrible. It was freezing & I had to wear a knee-length dress (no pants feel good with my belly) & stand in 30degree temps (yay, Florida) for about 10m before entering the facility for the u/s. Then waited another 20m for the tech to arrive (right on time, but I was hoping to get in & out earlier), had the crappy u/s, went for the b/w w/in the hospital. Left almost an hour later. Got to work… w/out my calendar. And, my calendar is a huge resource, a de-stressor that also contained my IVF med dosage sheet. That they told me to bring to EVERY appt. Oops.

So, neither place has my calendar.

Then hearing from the nurse, then back from the nurse.

Crying or trying to not cry all day. Was it just the disappointment or the estrogen rising? Maybe both?

A presentation in class… in which each group was supposed to take 10m. And almost have of the groups took over 25m. I was so going crazy inside. And those chairs are not comfortable w/ my pouching belly.

On the way home, it took an extra 15m due to a wreck.

BUT today is better.

Today I have hope. I trust that God is in control no matter what the outcome.

Thanks so much for all of your comments. They really made me change my perspective. You all are awesome & I feel blessed to have you all in my life.

What Would You Do?

Got another call back from the nurse.

She said she talked to my doctor.

On the one hand, we do have 5 good sized follicles. On the other hand, we only have 5 good sized follicles.

The decision is up to us whether or not to cancel. We can stop the drug right now & start the birth control as soon as my cycle starts back up.

She said instead of the Lupron, we'd use the antagon protocol. She said they do actually see an increase in the number of eggs, but that {of course} they don't know if they'll see an increase in our number.

She said it would be best to make that decision tonight & that seems so stressful to me. I have class tonight & was planning to take the shot there. So, instead of being able to talk with Nick about this & make this decision... I feel pressured to make this NOW.

This was better timing, since I get some holiday hours with Christmas break. I start classes back up in January & will probably have one of the hardest semesters so far & I'm sure it would be too much to juggle driving to Jax & back, taking shots, the time needed off for retrieval & transfer. And, if it worked, my due date needed to be tailored more to school, too.

My #1 concern is that we DO pay out of pocket. If we stop now, I'd have 20vials of Bravelle (donated, once/lifetime deal) & 5 vials of Menopur that we can use for the next cycle. And, the money we've already paid would be applied for the next cycle.

But, if we do cancel this one, I am not sure we'd realistically be able to cycle again until the end of next summer. And at that point, I'm 8mths older & we still won't know if I can produce more than 5 or 6 eggs.

Now it's deciding if I just want it this bad & not thinking realistically or not having faith or how horrible I'll feel if we don't even make it to transfer if we do continue this cycle.

Oh my. I just don't know what the BEST thing to do is. So, what do YOU think? I promise I won't hold anyone at fault or liable, but just wondering what others would do...

The nurse said if it were her, she'd stop & start again the next cycle.

Talked w/ Nurse

She confirmed the 5 follicles + 1 smaller follicle.

Here's how it goes...

RT side... 11, 12, 5
LT side... 10, 9, 14
e2... 372

I will stay on 3 bravelle + 2 menopur. Which means I get to order & pay for at least 4 more vials om menopur. My refill includes 4 each time, but I'm hoping they'll let me refill just 2.

My next appointment is Saturday in Jax. Umm, at freaking 7:30. She said 7:15 & I told her we travel 3hrs to get there. So, she generously gave me 7:30, but told me they'll probably call back for me to come in earlier. Hmm, so I can sit there another 1.5hrs before getting seen by a doctor?

Anyhow, this nurse didn't seem to think that we'd trigger on Saturday, but maybe Sunday. We'll see how it all looks on Saturday.

Sure hope it's Sunday since Nick has a final exam at 7:30am Monday morning. He'll talk w/ his professor just in case, but it would work out SO much better for it to be on Tuesday.

We'll still continue praying this will work out.

I mentioned the idea of cancelling & she basically said after the scan on Saturday, maybe we'll talk about it. She said they like to have at least 3 good follicles. By good, I have no idea what she defines good as. The size? I have read some won't trigger until 36 & some will trigger at like 18-20.

Another waiting game.

Atleast OHSS Isn't a Concern

Trying to stay somewhat positive, but it's not working very well.

After exponentially increasing in discomfort... graduating to pain, I thought FOR SURE I'd have more follicles than Sunday's scan.

Nope.

Now, it seems I have 2 "good" sized follicles on the right side w/ 1 very small one. And 3 "good" sized follicles on the left side.

She measured them like 13x10, so I don't know if that counts as a 13 or 10? If they average growth of 2mm/day & they grow them to 18mm, then I guess it could be ER in 3 days. It sure doesn't seem like there will be any more follicles up & coming.

So, 5 it is. Hopefully.

I know I should wait to hear from the IVF nurse (I went to the u/s technician here in town, not at the clinic 3hrs away), which should call after their 1pm meeting, but I'm just so discouraged. I wonder if we should just cancel... keep the monies on deposit & then try again at the beginning of the year. It just seems like so much money to waste of 5 little eggs.

I'm, again, disapointed in my body. Wish I could be on the normal side of something.

Again, I'm trying to stay positive. Maybe it means all 5 of them will be good, mature eggs. It only takes one. Blah, Blah, Blah.

I just wanna go home, crawl into bed, & cry until I fall asleep again.

Sure hope everyone else has a much better morning & day than I've had.

Happy to Be So Uncomfortable

Cuz it means my ovaries are getting bigger.

I have to say, I have been pretty disappointed at how I haven't felt much going on yet & did that mean not much was happening.

Today's my 1st day back to work since starting the stims & it's slightly painful to have to sit here up-right at work. Yay! I guess that means something is going on.

Tomorrow is my next u/s & b/w. Hopefully they will tell me I have 2 or 3 more follicles growing, in addition to my 5 from Sunday.

Have a great day!

Ya'll Rock

Oh, thank you so much for all of your encouragement. I guess I just assumed since I was being monitored that soon, that they expected something to be going on. Then, I just started worrying about whether or not any add'l follicles would start growing.

I guess the thing that makes me most nervous is the fact that I don't feel much going on. I gets lots of ovulation pain, but not too much right now.

But, I really cling to the overall "theme" of your comments... slow & steady. I don't care if stims take 15 days if it means we've got eggs!

And I don't know how many times I told Nick about Cathleen & her 2 eggs at retrieval & a BFP, too! And a nursing school classmate that had 4 eggs retrieved & got a BFP, too.

I'm a bum right now. I was planning to go into work & get a few hours in (I work 10hr days, so I get 2 days "off" every 2 weeks) to avoid using leave... but I just didn't want to. I didn't want to get upset having to tell everyone how it was going or what not. So, I ended up finally putting on a b.ra & going to the grocery store to buy enough to make some Rice Krispy treats. Mmm. I wanna hop right back into bed & take a nap, but I seriously need to work on a presentation for school.

Ready for the semester to be over with! :) Just hoping my ER won't be on the same day I have my final exam! LOL

A Bit Busted

Today we headed to Jax for our first monitoring appt. We woke at 5am & began the drive over. Two hours of rain & one hour of no rain.

When we got off the exit, I told Nick that I didn't think I was responding well. I know we only had 3 days of stims, but I would have thought I'd felt more going on.

So, our appt's at 8:45. We got in the exam room at 9:33a & the doctor came in at 10:12. Yeah, I watched the clock.

Apparently they had some complications with one of the earlier procedures & everyone got backed up.

I had a different doctor today & I really liked him. I usually ask lots of questions, but have felt uncomfortable asking too much at the clinic. But, I asked anyhow. So, he was great & showed me the screen & the follicles we had.

Not too hard to pick them out. There was only 3 on my right side & 2 on my left side. (on right: a 3, 5, 6; on left: a 5, 6) I knew something was off. He upped my bravelle to 3 vials (from 2 vials) & my menopur to 2 vials (from 1 vial). He said he's upping the menopur cuz my estrogen is too low... which he could tell because my lining was too thin.

I am pretty upset, but I guess still optimistic. He did say there were little follicles around, too, so maybe they will begin growing & "catch up". That happens, right?

Then the drive home... rained the whole way.

I came home & slept for several hours. Got up, did some cleaning. We took the shot. Burned a LOT more than the other ones. I had to have him stop several times.

This is my 1st time online since the appt, so I'll be heading to Dr. Google to see how my chances may fare. Feel free to leave any advice or hope that it may go from 5 follies to more by retrieval.

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend! I have to go in a couple of hours to work tomorrow... in preparation for our monitoring appt on Wednesday (which, thankfully, is here locally). I'm trying to not use leave until the ER & ET & subsequent bedrest or house-rest.

That is, if there even will be an embryo transfer.

Not Too Bad

Stims aren't too bad. They definitely burn at the beginning & end, but not too bad.

Other than that, it's pretty non descript. It's like when I shopped for my wedding gown.

You've always dreamed of it, then when you're in the thick of it... planning, calling, coordinating, shopping... you expect it to be like an out of body experience almost.

Then, you find yourself just doing it. Making it through. And that's how it feels with this IVF.

We're doing all the steps & surprisingly I'm not obsessed with it. I'm not constantly fretting over the eggs & numbers. I'm sure I will be the deeper we get & get info at each monitoring appt, but for now I'm surprisingly relaxed.

Busy doing the stuff that needs to be done! :) Kitchen stuff, gettting Christmas gifts, all that jazz!