Still Kicking

Well, a bit of an update is due, I would say.

The day we found out the baby to be was not really to be, I had blood drawn to check my hCG, progesterone, & estrogen levels. When we were almost back "in town" from the drive, I got a call from the clinic. My beta was absolutely zero. She seemed shocked that I hadn't had any spotting or bleeding. My progesterone + estrogen levels were good by what she said. I didn't ask numbers, but did ask her if going to the progesterone supps (from PIO) could have caused the m/c. She said no. She also confirmed to stop all hormonal support.

I also asked when we could cycle again. We have frozen eggs from this past IVF cycle. The cycle is still more labor intensive than a frozen embryo cycle, but not nearly as invasive as a fresh cycle. It would require a visit on like day 12, then DH on day 13, then a ET on day 15. The paper says they only do 2d transfers from frozen egg/oocyte cycles.

Which got me to thinking. Maybe we can try another fresh IVF cycle. We have some coverage left from IVF#2 & it is embarrassing how much the clinic "negotiates" the ER/ET fees with my insurance company. So, it seems for another fresh cycle, we'd have less than $2,000 out of pocket. If we wait until the beginning of the year, we'd have that amount to pay towards our deductible & be covered for me for the rest of the year. And DH's company reimburses half of it back. So, that is an option for us.

Honestly, though, I'm not sure I'm ready to do another cycle. Or anything for that matter. When do we just say enough is enough & count our blessings? Clear the baby tubs full of clothes & closets full of furniture/gear we may be able to use "one day"? I don't know. For me, it seems like it'll be by March of next year. Our area has a local consignment (HUGE) sale twice a year. The next one will be in March-ish & I could trade in these baby items for some cash we can use on the (two year old) baby we DO have now. We'll see. I'm ready to cut the ties (I think?) & DH wants to hold onto the stuff.

I'm not emotionally ready for adoption & the vulnerability it carries with it. The application/home study process is intimidating & the price tag is ridiculous. Who am I kidding? You all know that.

We have prayed lots & cried lots & received lots of support from family + friends. I don't know why we were given that positive only to have it taken away. "Fortunately", only a handful of people knew we were pregnant, so it didn't take much to make them all aware of the loss. I haven't really talked to anyone about it face-to-face. I just can't get through it. The quiet moments when I realize I would be X number of weeks along, or the Facebook announcements of pregnancies due dates from our little one's, or just any quiet time, really. I have cried nearly every day about this loss.


I feel as though I'm in limbo right now. And I'm not feeling any guidance on what direction to take. For now, we just sit. And wait. And hope. And pray. And hurt.

And hold onto the little miracle we've been graced with.

Completey UNreal

Maybe the reason why it all felt unreal was because it was not real.

There was a sac of some sort that he said would be comparable with 4w5d or so in the uterus, but nothing else.

No baby.

He didn't see anything in the tubes or cervix, but they did draw bloodwork to see how we will proceed. I will hear back today what the next step is.

I am crushed.

Tomorrow's Ultrasound

I didn't officially post at our 6wk mark (Monday) because I wanted to wait until the end of the day, then it just didn't happen.

I haven't had lots of symptoms other than fatigue & food aversion. Like, I order something to eat & then when it comes in front of me... I have ZERO appetite for it. Like three bites of Mexican food. Didn't even eat a slice of pizza that I had been looking forward to eating all afetrnoon! So weird. I have been snacking on water or (decaf) sweet tea & Goldfish crackers.

The birthday boy had his party Saturday night. It was a lot of fun & a lot of work. Not even too crazy hot for a end of August, Florida, outdoor party! :) Maybe I can share some pictures on here...

My Mom is going to be able to go to Jax with me, so we are planning to head out in the next couple of hours. My MIL is going to watch E so he doesn't have to sit in a carseat for the long ride there & back. Which is awesome for him!

Our ultrasound is scheduled for 9:30a tomorrow. I am nervous already. Not as nervous as I will be the closer & closer it gets. Just hope all is developing as it should. I feel reserved about this pregnancy. I don't have anything crazy happening that makes me think there would be something off, but with the much lower beta than the first time around & the "what ifs" running through my head.

Better get going, gotta grab some clothes for the trip & pack a tote for the little guy! :)

Okay, taking too long to load pictures... I will load some tonight @ the hotel... :)

Still Unreal

I am 5wks along today.

Am not sure if it's the hormones or just me, too, but I got pretty aggravated this weekend. Saturday evening found us at a local fish camp get-together. Besides like half the people smoking (around my baby boy & my pregnated self), but many cursed loudly & often. Not exactly words I want little bit learning.

Then, the child-raising advice began. From the same person who would give me pregnancy advice the whole time with E. Oh, my. So, for an hour plus of trying to get "away"... I heard how I need to potty train him, make him talk, put him to bed, etc etc. I have been very blessed in that neither my mother nor my MIL do this.

But, what also got me was... like everyone else knows about the pregnancy even though we haven't officially announced it... ya know, on Facebook. :) But SIL shares it at a random birthday party & other examples. I know this isn't the objective. The objective is a healthy, viable pregnancy... then baby. But, it would be nice to tell our own news. My husband tells me people tell because they are happy, but grumpy RayRay thinks it's also to tell the "big" news.

Oh, well.

Only 10days until the ultrasound. I am rarely nauseaus, completely off PIO, & dutifully taking my prenatals + estrogen patches. Went through most of the baby stuff & reorganized the extra room. Feels good to have that room cleared out a bit. I also have a mound of maternity clothes pulled out. And, I even wore maternity pants last night. Much more comfortable than my skinny jeans.

This weekend, my baby turns TWO. Wow. Have lots of stuff to wrap up this week & he might even get a haircut... his first. Big week full off stuff... hopefully to keep my mind off my bigger baby growing up & my little baby being okay.

Follow-Up Beta

The level almost tripled... 12dp5dt it was 198. And exactly 48hrs post beta #1.

I can stop the PIO when I get the endometrin. I was supposed to overlap by three days, but since I have enough to get me through Saturday night & will get the endometrin tomorrow, it'll only be a day & half of overlap.

Our ultrasound is scheduled for September 1 in the morning.

After those results & even still pending the ultrasound, I am officially excited. Our family & close friends know, but we haven't announced it to the world. Waiting a bit for that.

Hope you all are having a wonderful week.

The (beta) Call

Well, I eat my words.

I am still shocked.

Beta came in at 69.

On the low end, but I go back another beta level on Thursday.

Took an HPT after I got the call & it WAS positive.

I am still shocked & cautiously optimistic. The level is much lower than it was with Elias, though.

Well, that is all.

I guess now we are not only 10dp5dt, but 4w1d...

9dp5dt: Less Than 24hrs to beta

Well, I had 10hrs worth of p.ee in my bladder this morning, but I didn't POAS. I wanted to, but I wanted NOT to more.

I am coming to terms with a negative. I would truly be shocked if it was positive. Honestly. This isn't a mechanism to trick myself to deal with it.

And I'm kind of becoming okay with it.

I can clear out the extra bedroom. I have tubs of girls clothes passed down from my nieces when they were babies. They are 9 and 7.5 yrs old. That's a long time. I have many more tubs of stuff from E's younger days. There is a huge consignment sale in October & I could sell so much of this & put it towards clothes in the next sizes up. It could be cleared out in less than 2mths & we could have a fresh start in that room. No more holding onto the possibility of another child.

We do have five oocytes/eggs on ice, though. With a $3,000+ price tag for transfer & considering the "best" looking three eggs were fertilized... I am afraid of getting my hopes up. And, with me not working, it will take a while to build up that much extra savings. Our initial home was rented out last year when we purchased our current home. We haven't had tenants in it since the last of June. That was "okay" as I always paid the next month's mortgage with the current month's rent payment & due to the contract breech the tenants had, we were able to keep the security deposit... so that was August's mortgage payment. We can squeeze the money out of the budget, but it would be very hard. We've had little response on renting it out & have had several times where we thought it was rented out...

I know I don't normally talk about non-IF stuff... that's why there wasn't too much posting between IVF#1 & IVF#2. But, it's been weighing on my heart the closer we get to September. I worked full time nights as a Labor & Delivery nurse for 7+mths to rebuild our savings, pay for some home renovations, & build up short term cash savings for IVF expenses. The surgery has made a dent in it & we will owe money to the fertility clinic over what the insurance DID cover.

Days like today... when I am reminded what all of us have to go through for a chance- a 40-60% chance, if we're "lucky"- I get pretty frustrated with it all.

Like a friend that has two sweet girls & made sure to add the disclaimer "I mean, I love them" then tells how she made sure there was no way she'd ever have another child. Ever. Ever. Ever.

I sometimes regret quitting my job, but then remember why I quit. I was not connecting with or giving any of my best to my child. The child we spent years dreaming of & working towards & hoping for & praying for. I was spending my best self on women having children that they didn't seem to care for. And I became much more bitter. Like bitter-before-I-birthed-my-own-blessing.

And, it's not all doom & gloom. We do have savings to fall back on. And we do have the income to cover the extra mortgage payment. But, that doesn't mean it doesn't su.ck. We could very quickly bounce back with a frozen oocyte fert & transfer for one last chance. But, now... maybe a year from now? Is it worth it? For the reduced chances, too? Either way, we ARE blessed. We are grateful & amazed at the miracle we were given with just one IVF.

All of this going through my brain right now. But, I guess I need to wait until we know what the beta shows tomorrow. Then I can start clearing the stuff. Feel relieved to get rid of stuff & feel like I'm accomplishing something. And I could paint walls to make our home feel more like OUR home.

Our FOUR bedroom house. That seems to forever have TWO extra rooms that won't be filled. I feel so silly for having bought such a large house for just the three of us.

Less than 24hrs to beta result. I plan to have my beta drawn by 8am. The STAT results will be sent to the clinic, then I assume they have their 1p cycle-review meeting, then start making the calls. But, they close at 4p, so I should know by then.

Hope to go to sleep earlier & have less time to think about it.

8dp5dt

Didn't post yesterday. I was hoping to post at least a little bit for every day of this cycle, but it didn't happen yesterday.

I woke to the middle of a dream where I had JUST POAS & got a BFP. So, even though I decided I wasn't going to test Saturday when I had laid my head to sleep Friday night (got that?)... this dream had it fresh in my mind, so I did on Saturday morning (7dp5dt).

And there was only one line.

I know, I know... cuz I have googled the heck out of it. It could be too early, so it could be a false negative. Kinda took my hope away.

Was still cramping off & on yesterday. No nausea yesterday.

Today, I woke up with painful cramps. But, & this is weird & possibly explainable, after I voided my bladder... the painful cramps subsided. It has happened several days this week that the cramps eased off after I p.eed. Makes sense as a full bladder can put pressure on the uterus. Hence, having to have a full bladder for transfer or those ultrasounds if you're lucky enough to make it to the full anatomy scan at 18-20wks. Also, my endometriosis has fused my bladder & uterus together, so this is all how I explain the reduction in cramps following a po.tty visit.

Silly, I know.

I had considered taking another HPT this am, but it just didn't happen. It has been a rough couple of months, yall. Seriously. There was a point during the stim cycle that I wasn't even sure we'd make it to egg retrieval together. Somehow, that passed. Now, I'm not sure how much more we will make it through.

On the plus side, if it is a negative beta (on Tuesday... much closer now), then I will have a full bottle of PIO & a left over g.anirelex to try to get to someone else. That might bring enough money to pay for a pedicure.

At this point, my plan is to not POAS prior to beta. It is what it is & I honestly feel it has not worked. Up until yesterday, I had hopes. Now, I don't. And that is okay... we will keep trucking along with the most amazing son I could ever imagine.

Hope you all have a wonderful Monday

6dp5dt

Just wanted to pop in really quick before going to sleep.

Today was a bit more nausea, a little bit of dizziness, hot flashes, & achy cramps. Definitely some side effects of the PIO. Maybe something else? We hope so.

Went to a birthday party tonight & we stayed over pretty late... at nearly 11p, I realized we hadn't done our PIO! We usually do it between 8-9p. Hoping this won't ruin anything. Please tell me it won't...

A Symptom? At 5dp5dt

On my walk to the van to head to MIL's, it hit me.

A wave of nausea! Just like the nausea I would get when I was in early pregnancy & waited too long to eat meals. Then, the irony hit me, today is the same cycle day that I got nauseaus last time (7dp3dt). In fact, it prompted me to take the HPT the next morning. That ended up being negative! Which is why I will probably wait until Saturday or better yet Sunday!

I awoke this morning with more painful cramps. They subsided throughout the morning, then revisited me after our afternoon nap.

I am sure it is paranoia, but I am very sensitive to the laundry detergent we just bought. After years of perfume-free detergent! It knocks me over when I walk by the laundry area.

Now I know this can still mean it didn't work, but it seems a bit more hopeful. Still got right under 5 days until beta results.

Tired of Me Yet? (AKA 4dp5dt)

Can't say too much as far as symptoms go... random achy or stretchy cramps still. My hips are still super tender from the PIO shots. Less than a week until beta.

Have done lots of Google-ing. Then tonight, I realized I was missing out on a slew of results & began searching 4.5dp5dt! :) Still not sure when I will POAS... probably Saturday morning. I am guessing based on the same dates as the first IVF.

I have been dealing with several non-IF convictions & issues during this 2ww. Lots of things that have made me think. Lot.

Guess that is about it... heading to bed now. Praying for those little embabies & my own sweet boy. We have been having a slumber party downstairs since the transfer. This afternoon was my first trip upstairs since transfer, but only cuz I had to. Silly, but I just am paranoid about it. I know those little ones would have already implanted if they would have, but it's a mental block.

Hope you all have a good night.

Recap of 3dp5dt

Well, I woke up this morning with painful cramps. As a nurse, I always think on the 0-10 scale... I assume everyone else is familiar with it. Day 1-2 post transfer, I would rate my pain level a 1 or 2. This morning, it was a 3 or 4 at least. Enough to consider taking a Tylenol or two just to help relieve the discomfort. Also googled the heck out of what others experienced 3dp transfer! :)

I have come across a surromom forum that they test crazy, like 2dp5dt! No fear! LOL Many have even gotten BFPs on 4dp5dt! Almost makes me want to test tomorrow, but I just don't have the kahoonies to. ;) I am considering 5dp5dt and possibly 7dp5dt. Last time, I got a negative at 8dp3dt then a positive at 10dp3dt. So, a bit scared to. We will see.

The cramps subsided later this morning & I had some random stretchy pain throughout the day. My hips are getting pretty tender from all the PIO shots. Tonight we graduated from 1mL to 2mL. I still get super hot sometimes.

We went into town this evening for some super cheap ChickFilA & a quick trip to Publix. I snagged some Goldfish Sandwich Bread packages for E's birthday party in less than 2wks... they are so cute! About 50% off, too. We are planning a S.plish Spla.sh Bash. Just a bunch of water toys, splash pools, & cute food! ;) We need to take care of the fire ant issue, but hopefully one yard treatment will do it! Hoping this will take my mind off a BFN or the wait to an u/s if we get a BFP!

Will head to bed.

2dp5dt

Still feeling crampy & achy. Less ovarian pain. My MIL came today go help pass the time & she will probably come tomorrow, too, so we can all go grocery shopping. Talking with her + watching movies helped keep my mind on what might be happening.

I also made dinner... nothing fancy. Spaghetti, bread, & Caesar salad. I was nearly finished when I felt a bit like I was "purposefully sweating" ;) so I rested a couple of minutes. I am not sure, but I think I am having hot flashes from the PIO?

Speaking of which... hubby has already headed upstairs to bed & we need to do the shot! Glad I remembered. Oh, and I still haven't ventured upstairs since the transfer. I know, crazy.

G'night all!

1dp5dt

I wanted to post at the end of the day so I was able to post about how I felt for the whole day...

I have been very chill today. Didn't go to church this morning, but met the in-laws for lunch and a quick visit to Dollar Tree to buy some tests. I wanted to get ten, then put seven in the basket, and eventually bought four. Maybe this will help me wait longer to test. Maybe at 7dp?

Have felt very crampy, but not menstrual crampy. More like stretchy cramps w/ ovarian pain... I am not sure how to really describe the sensation, but it's like my uterus had a work out. I have been a bit tired, but not lethargic. Other than that, not too much other than that.

E spent both of the last two nights with his g'parents. We got him back this afternoon. He played plenty this afternoon at the house, but tonight he is ready for snuggles which is pretty sweet. I am definitely in a different place mentally with this IVF. Knowing how sweet that positive could be, the amazing child it could lead to, the incredible child I have been given. It seems more epic this time. I don't know why since last time, as I thought that was our only chance.

Another sleep, another day closer to seeing what the next step will bring...

12hrsp5dt

That's a new one, huh? ;)

We made the trip back home as soon as they released me from the clinic. I felt pretty cramped & whiney during the (3hr) ride. We got home & watched a movie with my hips still elevated. Nick went to dinner with his family, but got the air mattress set up for me before he left. I know I can go upstairs, but want to rest as much as possible!! Then, my Mom brought Elia.s over so we could spend some time with him. They just left.

Other than not being able to stay comfortable for too long, I have felt some achy cramping this afternoon + evening. Probably head to bed soon, too.

So, little update. Hoping we hear how little one #3 did throughout the day + night either tomorrow or Monday.

Pre-Transfer: Waiting Room

The clinic is backed up, my bladder is full, & we have TWO blasts to transfer! The third embryo has progressed much slower so they will continue to watch it. We got to talk to the doctor already, but I am officially excited!!

Will update more after the transfer...

Closer to Transfer

So, today completes day three (and a half?) For our little ones. The doctor said yesterday that they would pull them today to check in on their progress & then again on Saturday before transfer. He said unless there was a drastic change, we wouldn't hear from them until tomorrow/Friday when they call to tell us the transfer time. I also plan on asking about the little ones when I get that call! They have to chart it, right?! :)

Since the transfer will be on a weekend, I am kind of guessing we will need to be there earl, so we anticipate heading to Jax tomorrow once hubby gets off work.

My in-laws will be able to watch (play with) E tomorrow, then my parents will watch him from Friday evening to Sunday morning as I plan to rest as much as possible. Then, next week, my MIL will be here to help with the baby & house & dinners. I am so blessed to have such amazing family. And not only have some prayer warriors in the family, but some awesome friends, too. I know that even if this doesn't work, I will be okay...

Oh, the PIO shots don't hurt nearly as much as I expect them to. I am nervous maybe I need the 1.5" needle & not the 1.0" needle. Want to make sure it is benefiting us! :) Any advice on that?

Fertilization Report

Out of our nine eggs retrieved...

Eight eggs were mature...

Five were frozen...

Three were fertilized.

We have three grade two embryos growing right now (at our clinic, grade one is "perfect") just like last time. Our little ones are 5c, 4c, and 2c.

We are planning on a day five transfer on Saturday.

I am getting excited now. Now it is a waiting game until Saturday...

Friday we find out what time we will head to the clinic for the transfer.

In The Morning

Approximately 12 hrs until we find out if we have any embryos & when we expect to transfer & if there were enough additional mature eggs to cryo.

I checked the posts from last time & the doctor called around 9a, so we are headed to bed to awake & get the news!

I am already hopeful, but know this is just one more step...

Retrieval Done

Egg retrieval is done & we are headed back home.

Out of the 18 follicles, only 9 eggs were retrieved. We don't know how many are mature, but the best three eggs will be fertilized. On Wednesday we get a report of the fertilized eggs & how many (if any) oocytes/eggs could be frozen.

That is it. Will update more when I have updates. This time, I have a tylenol #3 script in case I need it. Oh, I feel good. A bit sleepy & achy, but good. I was instructed to drink lots of gatorade & not so much water, so I guess that means a slight risk for OHSS.