A Bit Busted

Today we headed to Jax for our first monitoring appt. We woke at 5am & began the drive over. Two hours of rain & one hour of no rain.

When we got off the exit, I told Nick that I didn't think I was responding well. I know we only had 3 days of stims, but I would have thought I'd felt more going on.

So, our appt's at 8:45. We got in the exam room at 9:33a & the doctor came in at 10:12. Yeah, I watched the clock.

Apparently they had some complications with one of the earlier procedures & everyone got backed up.

I had a different doctor today & I really liked him. I usually ask lots of questions, but have felt uncomfortable asking too much at the clinic. But, I asked anyhow. So, he was great & showed me the screen & the follicles we had.

Not too hard to pick them out. There was only 3 on my right side & 2 on my left side. (on right: a 3, 5, 6; on left: a 5, 6) I knew something was off. He upped my bravelle to 3 vials (from 2 vials) & my menopur to 2 vials (from 1 vial). He said he's upping the menopur cuz my estrogen is too low... which he could tell because my lining was too thin.

I am pretty upset, but I guess still optimistic. He did say there were little follicles around, too, so maybe they will begin growing & "catch up". That happens, right?

Then the drive home... rained the whole way.

I came home & slept for several hours. Got up, did some cleaning. We took the shot. Burned a LOT more than the other ones. I had to have him stop several times.

This is my 1st time online since the appt, so I'll be heading to Dr. Google to see how my chances may fare. Feel free to leave any advice or hope that it may go from 5 follies to more by retrieval.

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend! I have to go in a couple of hours to work tomorrow... in preparation for our monitoring appt on Wednesday (which, thankfully, is here locally). I'm trying to not use leave until the ER & ET & subsequent bedrest or house-rest.

That is, if there even will be an embryo transfer.

Not Too Bad

Stims aren't too bad. They definitely burn at the beginning & end, but not too bad.

Other than that, it's pretty non descript. It's like when I shopped for my wedding gown.

You've always dreamed of it, then when you're in the thick of it... planning, calling, coordinating, shopping... you expect it to be like an out of body experience almost.

Then, you find yourself just doing it. Making it through. And that's how it feels with this IVF.

We're doing all the steps & surprisingly I'm not obsessed with it. I'm not constantly fretting over the eggs & numbers. I'm sure I will be the deeper we get & get info at each monitoring appt, but for now I'm surprisingly relaxed.

Busy doing the stuff that needs to be done! :) Kitchen stuff, gettting Christmas gifts, all that jazz!

Day One

About to take the shot, but wanted to post my day 1 photo... am I looking rough or what?! LOL This was right after we woke up & still in bed at 9:30am. It was so nice!



Just got back from CVS. I freaking am now officially addicted to the CVS Extra Bucks deals! I started with a $20 purchase that is a Christmas gift, bought make-up, gatorade (in prep for IVF stuff), cleansing towelettes, macadamia nuts, 2gigSD card, & a Soleil razor system plus 2 king-sized candy bars... for only $2 extra. Yay!

Getting up fairly early to hit up WM for Black Friday. Since we live about 30m out of town, we have a WM closer & will head there to get the couple of items I saw. Like some cheap jeans for Nick to work in & something else I can't even remember. Or maybe I'll just sleep in again!

We have mostly everything back in the kitchen, which means the guest room + office are mostly cleared out. I will be organizing the stuff into the kitchen the rest of the weekend & hopefully get all the Christmas stuff out, too! First things first & that means the kitchen done! :)

Hope you are all having a wonderful T'giving. Clio, I'm excited we'll be starting the same day! :)

It's On!

We woke up super early again & headed to Jax. Got there around 9am. The waiting room was packed. Which was both surprising & intimidating. There were two other couples I feel I could "relate" to. Is that silly? I try to find others that are similar to us in age range, etc.

As soon as we were called back, the b/w + u/s went quickly. Doctor said my lining looked good & "thin" (didn't get a measurement. I *did* ask about antral follicles, so he shot the numbers out while doing the u/s. I had 5 on my right & 6 on my left.

To me that sounds good. I am really hoping we get 12 eggs. So, w/out further nerdy investigation, I am actually optimistic. I'll be checking it out in a few minutes, though! LOL

We are supposed to do monitor appointments here in Tallahassee & only the initial + final appointment in Jax. Well, the local u/s technician can't make any appointments until next Wednesday. Therefore, we are starting stims tomorrow {a day earlier than planned} & heading to Jax early Sunday morning for our 1st monitor appt. It's going to be more expensive than here locally + the obvious gas & time (6hrs round trip), but I'm glad we aren't going to be delayed w/ the cycle.

Excited. Definitely excited.

Nick starts antibiotics tomorrow for 10days. He's upset. Very much the "no doctor, no meds" kinda guy. I guess most of them are, huh? ;)

So, tomorrow brings the very beginning of our biggest, most realistic, chance of our greatest dream.

I just hope it's worth it.

*** UPDATE: Did some googling & found that 10/11-14 total antral follicles is "good/normal". I guess slightly disappointing cuz I was hoping to have lots of them, but I'm surprisingly okay with it. I'm at peace with us doing all that we can to ensure this cycle is the best it can be! :) ***

PS- Am I the only one crying while watching Private Practice?

IVF Start Appt: Tomorrow

{Hmm, been using lots of colons in my titles lately... }

Okay, thanks so much for all of the responses on the antral follicles question.

I know that tomorrow's main goal is determine if I have any cysts so that we can continue with the IVF schedule. I know I'm a newbie to this & all, but it seems like if there wasn't a cyst when I went in last month (on the Pill) & we immediately moved to Lupron, then I haven't ovulated since then & there's no chance for a cyst to be there. But, I guess it COULD happen, right? Or there'd be no reason for us to have to have it done.

I didn't know *too* much about antral follicles, so wanted to see what to expect tomorrow. We will be meeting with our RE tomorrow; we were scheduled with another in the practice due to holiday rotations, so that's kind of nice.

I'm sure I'll update tomorrow after the appointment. Sure hope it's still a go for stims on Friday.

And, in less than 30m, I will not have to work for 6 days! Looking forward to catching up on house stuff & reorganizing the kitchen & getting Christmas cards & decorating done!

Have a wonderful Tuesday evening!

Quick Question: Antral Follicles

I've heard some others mention getting their antral follicle count at the baseline, u/s #1 at the start of IVF.

Did ya'll?

I've also been a nerd & checked out the success rates based on the range of antral follicles prior to stimming.

If they don't offer up the info, I'm gonna ask... but I wanted to find out if that's normal procedure {or} if they just kinda tell ya everything's fine to start your stims & how much to take.

Also, our 2nd u/s will be Dec1 after 3 days of stims. I guess at that point they'll tell me what to take & have me in for another u/s after 2 or 3 days of stims? Did any of ya'll have to go like everyday or only if you were a quick responder?

Just questions. Feel free to pipe in about your experience.

Lupron shot not so bad today. I think he's getting used to just darting the needles in & that doesn't even sting... compared to a slow shot.

Lupron: Day Ehh

So, 1st Lupron shot I felt nothing.

The next two were definitely a sting, but not too bad. Definitely tolerable.

The waking up at 6am on weekend days? Not so tolerable! LOL

But, it'll be worth it.

Had a nice visit w/ my cousin today! We celebrated T'giving this afternoon. Tomorrow evening, we will have a baby shower for her, so I can catch up with my great aunt + aunt then! There was so much going on, there wasn't enough time to chat w/ everyone.

This morning was my 1st emotional break in a while. Weeks, I'd say.

In church, my pastor introduced his daughter-in-law, who has also been struggling with IF & they have chosen to pursue adoption. I don't know if they know what they're dealing with, but when we pursued counseling with our pastor last year, he mentioned they tried for 8yrs with their 2nd child; this is when we found out about them & have been updated every now & then when we speak with Pastor. Anyhow, it immediately flooded me with emotions of seeing someone else & knowing how much pain they're in.

Then he announced two pregnancies: twins + an early one (6wks-ish?). And another woman in the hospital delivering her son.

I started feeling it. Glanced at the daughter-in-law, noticed her upset, too.

That was it. Had to leave the building crying. Fortunately, I could stop after a couple of minutes & lasted the rest of the service.

After the service, I wanted to talk with her. She was surrounded by others & I was too hesitant to say "Hi, my name is Rachel & we're infertile, too." It was just too awkward. I spoke with Pastor on the way out to please pass on the message that we're praying for them & think of them often. He thanked me & told me he felt something was going to happen & they would like to hold a prayer session for us... then I was crying again.

It's so hard sometimes. Really.

Feeling in a much better place now. Not sure how the next couple of weeks will be, but I'm trying to remain optimistic.

Kitchen is literally almost done. Oh, you've heard that already? Yeah, I know.

But, I really mean it this time! :)

The cabinets only need the doors hung (painted today, should be dry enough by tomorrow) & then MIL's work is done. We'll still have to move all the kitchen stuff back in & hang the pot rack + wall shelves, but it's so exciting!

Our plans changed somewhat last minute & we will be heading to the Tampa area after our JAX IVF start appt, then Thursday morning heading back home. Kinda crazy, but it will be nice to have the long weekend off... I'm off Monday, too! Which will also be my 1st monitoring appt.

So, we can organize the kitchen & rest of the house by end of T'giving day & prepare for Christmas that weekend. Already feeling relieved!

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend & looking forward to checking everyone's updates!

Lupron: Day One

So, last night I anxiously awoke every couple of hours to make sure I didn't sleep past the 6am alarm.

{ This also happens to me EVERY time I have early clinicals. I rarely get good sleep, since I have to leave 10m 'til 6am to get to clinicals on time. Oh, yeah, then I have to not only be awake, but fully student-nurse functioning at that timee! :) }

The thing is, Nick & I are notorious for ignoring the alarms. Like, mine usually goes off 4 or 5 times before I have to get out of bed. Which made me nervous about waking too late & throwing off our Lupron shot time.

I already had the little station set up. Got out of bed at 6:07. Tried to wake Nick up. Turned on the lights, grabbed the Lupron. Told Nick he had to wake up to give me the shot & we were done by 6:20ish. (He was in bed a while. LOL)

I expected it to sting or pinch a little when the needle went in, but I really didn't feel it. I just took my final BCP this morning.

Our kitchen is literally on the cusp of being completed. The baseboard was painted & cut & placed yesterday; will be nailed in today. The appliances can go back into the kitchen (yay!) tonight & I think the final item for MIL to do is the cabinets. She's already custom made the cabinet doors & primed the cabinet base. Only thing left is painting the cabinet bases & hanging the cabinet doors. Which, I think we will pick the hardware out tonight or tomorrow.

Did I say how freaking amazing it is that my MIL is sweet & dainty & can tile floors... create anything wood-related... install hard wood floor... ANYTHING! Except she'll tell ya she won't mess with electric or plumbing. She could do it, she just doesn't wanna! :)

I'm so very excited to be so close to having the kitchen done! After 3.5 years of living in the house, it was the final room to be done. And the colors are coming together great!

I'll post some pictures on here of the finished product. It will be so nice to have all the other rooms cleared out & know that the kitchen is organized & functional.

Here's to a night of Home Depot & WalMart perusing!! And we're doing an early T'giving dinner on Sunday. My cousin will be heading down from Ohio & other family are coming to see her, so we're doing an early one for the whole family. Then, on T'giving day, it's still up in the air as to whether we'll be heading to the Tampa area or staying put.

Staying put sounds so inviting. And we can take our Christmas-pictures-on-the-beach this or next weekend. I am determined to have my Christmas cards mailed out by Dec2.

Hope you all have a wonderful Friday. I'm hoping to make it the 10hrs, so I won't have to use any leave for my IVF start appt on Wednesday. But, I don't know if I'll make it... ;)

Photo Journey Through IVF

Since I'm somewhat curious (obsessed? hopeful? passing the time?) about others during their pre-positive IVF cycles, I came across this one:

"Kodak Moments" by JJ.

And it got me thinking. I've planned on doing photos during the cycle. I've also not done many things I have planned to do so far this cycle. Since our kitchen has been in "redo" mode for exactly 4 wks now, my life has been a little more scrambled at home than I had planned.

Like a cleared out, completely organized house with a place specially dedicated to the IVF meds. Christmas decorations up, gifts all shopped for & wrapped. Hmm, some of those things are done... okay, only part of the gifts are done! LOL

So, I really want to make sure to keep on top of the photos thing. Of course it will be nicer if this is a successful cycle, but I am pretty sure I will want these pictures even if it's not. I want to be able to see what we went through. To remember as much of it as possible. I have a nicer dSLR & a P&S. The little one goes with me everywhere, but the dSLR has a very special place in my heart. And now, it will have a special place beside my meds.

I doubt I will do many face shots, but more of the actual process. I searched through flickr & here are some that caught my eye.


I guess this can serve as a heads up, since I will probably be posting pics on the blog. One day, my dream is that this blog will be turned into the introductory part of a baby book. I want to respect & nurture that dream as much as possible since it's all I have right now.

I also realized that today will be my last shot-free day for 5 weeks, at least... hopefully more like 12 or 13 weeks. Again, my dream.

I really am amazed at how this year has flown by, from the point where Nick agreed to meet with the RE, to deciding & being okay with IVF, to becoming excited about IVF, to starting in less than a week... It's extremely surreal.

Final Mark Through the Checklist

Remember THIS POST? {When we found out Hep testing could cost us $500/each if out of pocket?}

Well, Monday was our appt with our PCP. Nick was pretty disappointed in breaking his "not see a doctor in 10/12 yrs" streak. But, since he'd technically been a patient of hers for almost 4 years, they felt more comfortable meeting him before ordering his labwork. Since I'm also a patient there, we had my labwork slips completed at the same time.

So, Monday I went & had my blood drawn for the Hep series. Yesterday they already had the results. Yay!

Since Nick needed some add'l b/w done (CBC, TSH, vitD, etc etc), he had to fast. So, yesterday morning he got his blood drawn!

Which means that our final "to do" item is crossed off. I guess *technically* it can't be crossed off until I have confirmed the FIRM has gotten the info, but in my mind... it's done.

We will be making the remaining payment next Wednesday at our start appointment, which is also when we will receive our 30 vials of donated Bravelle. I'm removing the money for the pre-payment we made last month from savings to pay off the CC. It was painful to sign that receipt, but it's kind of more painful to take it out of savings.

I have to remind myself that we prepared for this. THIS is the reason we've been saving & sacrificing & working so hard & working extra jobs & doing yard sales. THIS is our chance.

Hope you are all doing well. Faith, you're in my thoughts & prayers. It's surprising how much it can hurt to see a friend hurt... a friend you've never met or talked with, but connected with. Our hearts are so sad & we mourn the little life. Please know that we're here for you.

What's Our Story

{Another permalink as an "FYI" for visitors.}

I met hubby in 04/2001. We both worked with different YMCA afterschool programs while attending different colleges. From there, we just began talking, hanging out, & unofficially dating. When I pointed out it was unofficially, he officially asked me to be his girlfriend. I was thrilled to meet someone that was so good with kids, since that was extremely important to me. We both knew we'd like to have children someday...

We continued dating through my graduation (05/2002), then his junior college graduation (05/2003). When deciding on what school to finish his undergrad degree, I think he took my plans into consideration… I planned to move back home. Which, conveniently, had a major state university. So, it was FSU for him.

We married a year later when he told me he was switching universities. I told him I needed a greater commitment to follow him & we were shortly engaged! Then, in the midst of planning a wedding, trying to find a place to live in South Florida, & searching for a job… he decided the best thing to do would be to stay right where he was (like 2 wks before the wedding, can ya tell nothing else was working out for us… jobs, living arrangements). Which was good. I always tease him that he “tricked” me into marrying him.

But, I was definitely pushing him for marriage. I was ready to start my family. When we married (07/2004), I was on birth control. After dealing with the crazy way it affected me, we decided in 11/2004 to go off the stuff. He didn’t want to get pregnant right away since he was still working on his undergrad, but we decided to be open if God would allow it.

A year later & we weren’t pregnant. I went to see my GYN. He pretty much told me that since we were so young & didn’t really “want” to get pregnant (his words, not mine) w/ my husband still in school, that it’s nothing we should worry about. Hmm.

So, 6 months later & we’re still not pregnant. Went to visit him again & he started the basic “work-up”. HaHa. He did a pa.p smear, u/s to check for fibroids. We also had a SA done. That reflected lower, but normal, numbers. We repeated the SA several months later & pretty much were done. My GYN said that was the problem & ignored my requests for further diagnostic tests for endometriosis.

Hubby didn’t ever set up a urology appointment & I tried once (to get the price est, since we knew it wouldn’t be covered), was turned off by the nurse I spoke with & didn’t do any more.

Meanwhile, I’m in the midst of applying for a part-time nursing school program. Got approved in 02/2007 & had to return lots of paperwork verifying my immunizations & such. Which led to lots of communication with my primary care physician (PCP) & a visit. At the visit, I asked for a referral for another GYN to pursue an endo diagnosis. The nurse I spoke with also had endo & was very supportive. By 05/2007, I was meeting with the new GYN. I came armed with all my risk factors, symptoms, “proof” that I should get a lap. I was pretty defensive mentally, but this GYN was completely different. {He is part of a fairly large practice & was the only one that was a member of an infertility association… I know, really, that doesn’t mean anything as far as his experience goes, but I was hoping maybe it meant he was a bit more sensitive.} It didn’t take any arguing or pushing & he was completely responsive to all of my concerns. Since I was beginning classes that month, we decided to schedule my surgery at the end of the summer semester.

In 07/2007, I was diagnosed with endo. He said that in practice they don’t stage it, but since I asked he said it would be either Stage 2 or Stage 3. My bladder & uterus are very close buddies & are still stuck together. Fortunately, at this point, my ovaries were not affected. Had some more adhesions in my cul de sac with most of the removed tissue coming from my left side.

Since my doctor knew we very much wanted to become pregnant (Nick had since finished his undergrad degree & was beginning his grad degree while working), he gave us until 12/2008 to TTC before starting more intensive treatment.

New Years Day 2008, our dreams were crushed again. The next day, I picked up my prescription for Zoladex. Very similar to Lupron, but this is a monthly implant. I also had add-back therapy, which helped a bit. We met with the RE the next week.

RE was willing to attempt IUIs before IVF, which I was relieved to hear. They wanted another SA, too. Our plan, in 01/2008, was to save for IUIs by the end of the year & pursue IVF in Spring 2009. I wasn’t very hopeful about IUIs, which made it easier to take the next bit of news… IUI was out after they processed the SA (03/2008). The count was normal, but on the low end. Motility fine, too. The morphology was 1%. They wanted at least 5% for an IUI. So, IVF it is.

We were still thinking about Spring 2009 as an IVF start date. That changed & by the end of 05/2008, we were scheduling our savings & arranging fundraisers & hoping for an 12/2008 start date. Also had another lap to remove the endo. Told the GYN I wanted it all out. Grossly unsuccessful. Grossly. Spent the night before & morning of my b'day in the hospital for a surgery that basically removed nothing. Doc said he'd pretty much have to do a laparotomy & didn't feel that the increased recoop time was worth the extra removal. So, ute & bladder are still stuck together + my left ovary is being pulled behind my uterus. So much for Zoladex stunting the endo growth. Don't really even have pics from this surgery as the cameras went out during the surgery. Which made a 30/45m surgery 1.5 hrs. Ugh.

From 05/2008- 10/2008, we saved, did several fundraisers (which included T’ware sales, craigslist sales, & yard sales), & also were fortunate enough to receive donations. We had the money by the end of 10/2008. We also began fostering classes to pursue fostering through a local Christian agency at this time.

Our official start date is Nov26, with stims starting on Nov28. We’re looking at a beta test right around Christmas. Ouch.

We are very thankful for the opportunities we have & being able to go through one fresh IVF cycle without debt. We’re excited & nervous.

Not Much New

Still about a week out until our IVF start date.

Take my last BCP on Friday & start my Lupron shots on Friday, too.

Then next Wednesday, we head to Jax.

The following Friday, start stims.

Our kitchen has, like, exponentially progressed this past weekend. Not sure if it just seems like that to me since I prefer to see progress & now the tiling's done, the walls are pretty much primed, & the paint will be on the walls by tomorrow evening... so to me that equates to progress. Not like the boring stuff of subflooring, caulking corners, touching up walls, etc etc. Since we haven't had the appliances (washer, dryer, oven, fridge) in there for almost 3 wks, MIL is hoping to finish the paint soon... so the kitchen is more functional! And, once the wall paint is done, that leaves only painting the cabinet frame/base, hanging the cabinet doors (custom made by my MIL), & then putting up the shelves in the laundry area! Now it's rolling! Our kitchen may actually be put back together by T'giving. Which is already relieving!!

And I'm losing the dread I had last week associated with IVF. Just kind of exciting, anxious, eager... wanna get it over with mode! :) Cuz, ya know, then I'll know the outcome! Just over 5 wks until we'd know pos or neg.

Here's to a busy weekend with a couple of weeknights off to prepare for it. And my last unit test of the semester. Not looking forward to the crazy semester coming my way in January, but looking forward to getting closer to graduation! :)

Calm

Well, since Thursday's blowout, things have been calmer. I was going to say the calm after the storm, then remembered it's the calm BEFORE the storm... :) Oh, well.

Since my MIL has been staying with us for the last 3.5 wks to redo our kitchen (oh, right... I haven't mentioned that before have? I adore her, but it does add to the stress since all our of kitchen stuff is spread into every room of the house & I can't just relax at home sometimes, if that makes sense!?), my FIL surprised her/us with a visit yesterday. In addition to him, he brought our two nieces! It was so great! He reserved a room at a local motel off the water & they visited last night for an hour or so, then all four of them headed to the motel.

Anyhow, this morning we woke up late & met the family for breakfast then a couple of hours at the park. It was so nice. Just a great time playing with the girls & having fun with each other.

He's gonna be such a great daddy. Someday.

Hope you all are having a wonderful Saturday & getting some rest in!!

PS- JJ, you're too sweet! I got the card & it made me smile! Thanks! :)

Getting Tougher

Marriage.

I don't know if it's partly the BCPs (they drove me crazy the 1st time I was on them, but this time I haven't noticed many crazy-symptoms?), but we had a huge blow-out last night.

Like the fights we had when I was on Zoladex at the beginning of this year. Just horrible.

With nursing school, 10 hr work days, but mostly infertility & IVF on the brain ALL THE TIME... I just don't have energy to be lovey-dovey with hubby.

Ugh. I seriously cannot imagine going through more infertility ish & my marriage not being MORE affected.

How do YOU do it? Try to stay in love? Try to remember you're on the SAME team, when it feels like you're on OPPOSING teams?

Whew.

I feel like I’ve been kind of quiet on here relating to IF stuff.

I guess nearing AND hitting AND passing the two mark has been pretty significant for me. In my brain.

It makes me so nervous inside. Over the weekend, I had a mini “photo shoot” with a friend who happens to be a photographer & beginning to rebuild his portfolio. We were pretty good friends in high school & have kept touch with him since then. He also moved right next to my brother in NC, so we always try to see each other when we’re in town. He’s also got a beautiful wife (who’s a nurse, too, so I can vent about nursing school & get advice & such) with an adorable baby boy.

Once we got in the car driving to different spots, conversation (inevitably) moved towards our upcoming IVF cycle. We have been VERY open with others about this. Since the beginning of the year, we were much more open about the infertility & struggle we were experiencing. Everyone close to us has been amazingly supportive & I guess that just kind of morphed into telling everyone about our next steps.

Because, deep down, I didn’t want to suffer alone. I wanted others to know it hurt & that I wasn’t ashamed of it. Infertility has really been rough (hmm, like I have to tell ya’ll? Duh) & I got to the point that I refused to let it rule my life. I think it makes other uncomfortable & some comments & my openness has embarrassed my hubby, but I just kind of am who I am. I try to not regret my actions or words.

But, now that it’s come closer… I feel so worried inside. I’m already devastated over a negative cycle. We have so much energy, hope, money, time invested in this ONE chance. Granted, 50-60% success rate is much greater than 0.5%. But, still. If it’s negative, it’s 100% negative for us. And I can’t even imagine telling my family or friends it didn’t work. They are so hopeful. I know they truly hope it works, but most of them have already made comments that it WILL work. It’s disheartening having to say it might not.

All that to get back to my conversation with photo bud…

“I bet you’re pretty excited, huh?”, he asks grinning. We’re connecting & excited for a fun day of photos. I love absorbing as much as possible from him… like how my sweet camera works (oh, besides reading through the Twilight series—which a friend just bought & will let me borrow & has been instructed NOT to let me at them until my ER, I decided I must haves PhotoShop to learn during the 2WW. I’m kind of looking forward to the 2ww in a way.).

Hmmm… eyes darting, do I lie & feign my excitement, when I feel dread? “Well, it’s weird, really… I’m so excited about it, that it makes me more nervous. I can’t quite explain it, but it’s almost bittersweet.”

We continued the conversation, but I know it was probably weird seeing my reaction. Like I wasn’t really thinking it would work. Obviously, we truly think there’s a chance it will work, but we aren’t unrealistic. It can work as much as it can’t. I feel like it’s something we have to do, cuz we’ll always wonder “what if”.

And I think while we were raising the money we needed, energy & thoughts were focused on that. Then, it was the countdown to IVF, from like 10 wks out. And I was so excited then. Nearer to 4 weeks… began the dread.

And I don’t think I can fully explain how I feel. I’m pretty sure some of ya’ll can understand what I mean.

It’s like right now, there’s a hope it will work. If it doesn’t, we kind of lost that hope.

I hate to wanna rush through life, but I so wish I knew the answer. I wish I knew what the result in 6 weeks will be. Wow… six weeks & my life will change, whichever way the results go.

How dreary, huh?

I am looking forward to the stims beginning. Cuz, like my bud told me, that I CAN control. And I’m sure time will fly by & I’ll be sitting on Christmas Eve & receive that call…

{any advice on this portion of the cycle & growing hope again when you already feel defeated is greatly appreciated... I do have some meditation-type CDs I will be trying soon & have read through Nurturing Yourself Through IVF & plan to re-read it for motivation, any other ideas?}

Shout Out!

To my girls, Christi, Kari, & Faith, who just got their BFP!



Congrats! :)

A Different 2WW

My new 2ww into IVF. Our IVF start date/baseline b/w + u/s is the day before T'giving. Exactly 14 days away.

I did find out that I will start the stims on Nov28 (assuming everything is fine at the start date appt); since I live 3 hrs away from the clinic... we have a local u/s technician that only performs u/s M-F. So, I guess it makes sense to NOT stim for 5 days before getting the first monitoring u/s.

In other news, this weekend went very well!

* Friday, my Mom & I headed to NC to visit one of my brothers. I worked almost a half-day, she picked me up, & we began our 10+h drive. It wasn't that bad, actually! At around 8.5 hours, I DID get antsy & bored... but we talked through it all & had a great drive! Got there around 11ish & talked for a while.

* Saturday, we all headed to a holiday fair to shop. Got a couple of things. It wasn't a craft fair, which I was kind of hoping it was, but I found a few things to buy. We headed to dinner, then back to the house to visit with a few friends.

* Sunday was church, then some photos with a friend, then church again. The second service was such a blessing... not so much the actual service, but AFTER the service. One of the couples my brother + SIL are friends with just recently adopted & they wanted me to meet them. {It was such a nice conversation; we didn't get into depth about the diagnosis was, but she did say that they were told their chances at IVF were very small. They began pursuing adoption in May & brought their son home in July. It was just amazing. She was so sweet & I'm still just amazed at the connection IFs can share. Crossing political & religious lines, surpassing geographical locations... the connection is amazing. Murgdan completely voiced my thoughts about this connection on THIS POST.}

* Monday found my Mom & me caring for my nephew. I know we are of bias, but he was actually such a good baby. He's about 14mts old & is very smiley. He got a bit whiney sometimes, but not much more than a goofy song or silly face would change! :) So, we went to eat, then shopping, then back home for dinner. Then it was off to meet JJ for a chat!

I was actually pretty nervous about how the meeting would go, but I was so excited. JJ was so sweet to us & sent us some meds that she had left over from her successful IVF cycle this summer. It meant so much to us & we are just so grateful. Since I had just eaten, I was planning to grab a sweet snack before the end of the evening... but we were talking the whole time! To the point that we realized every other customer left & the staff were cleaning up. So, we wrapped it up, snapped a picture (cuz I'm a nerd like that... I scrap & wanted to make sure to have a picture of someone that helped us SOO much through this time), & chatted a *bit* more outside. It was cold. My hubby didn't make this trip, but it would have been nice for him to connect with another guy affected by male factor IF... but maybe another time we can meet up & Mook & Nick can talk a bit.

Thanks again, JJ, for taking time out of your schedule to meet with me! I had a wonderful time! I plan to start those CDs tomorrow evening!

Some photos of the weekend:

Snapped a couple of pictures of the family...





And, JJ & me. {Hope you don't mind me posting this, girl! :) Let me know, if ya do & I'll remove it!}


Yummy Greek food...



A happy baby!

Date Night

Since we headed over to Jax a couple of weekends ago (for the fertility seminar), we decided to head out to dinner the night before. I was reminded that Jax has a Maggiano's & add that to the $50 worth of gift cards we had... Made for a wonderfully stuff-ing dinner! And, since I signed up for the email news, we also got $10 off the meal!
Bought these shoes close to a year ago, but never had an outfit to match. Adorable & only $11! They didn't give any, though, so my feet hurt after the walk to the restaurant! :)
Here's the spinach & artichoke dip that I TORE up! It was so rich & yummy! I felt slightly awkward taking these pictures, but I'll never see those people again! :)
Since the family style meal was a better deal (since we wanted a salad + a side), we got the dessert, too! Nick couldn't stop that! :) The chocolate cake was freaking huge!

And a couple shots of us after dinner! :)

Thanks!

PIO outside of the fridge makes TOTAL sense! And Lupron, too! I just assumed... and you know what means! ;)

Hopefully the insulin needles won't be an issue, either!

Even *Closer*

Got my Lupron + PIO last night. I know the Lupron needs to be in the fridge since it came packed tightly next to the ice pack... but what about the PIO?

Guess the pharmacy could have told me, but if I don't get any comments about it... I'll just call them later. To be on the safe side, I have both of the meds in the fridge.

I'm thinking the PIO needs to be in fridge, too, or why would the instructions from the clinic say to warm it a bit in your hands? Like insulin.

And now I have 60 3mL syringes. 30 from the 1st script (Menopur) & 30 from this 2nd one... seems like too many, but what do I know? :)

And what seems like hundreds of needles.

I didn't want to order another bunch of insulin syringes, since JJ sent me 5. That means I have a total of 19 insulin needles. I sure hope that will be enough, cuz I don't wanna drop $10 or $15 on another "set" when I just need one or two more for the Lupron.

Less than 3 weeks now to go until the cycle starts + Thanksgiving! :)

And Breathe...

After getting our estimated cost for the Hep testing from Quest, I was pretty nervous. And when I get nervous, my stomach goes berzerk.

They told us it would be $500 each for this testing... x2= $1000 to add to our IVF cost. (Was this a normal cost for any of ya'll paying out of pocket, too?)

So, I prayed lots last night.

Called our PCP (primary care physician) & remained upbeat & confident. I mean, really, this is a non-fertility test. If I'm pregnant, they'd have to perform these tests anyhow.

Talked to the nurse & she seemed in a much better mood than the 1st conversation. Since Nick hasn't EVER been to see her (he's been a patient there for almost 4 years... guys), we're gonna head into the office for a "meet & greet" appointment where we can discuss the previous bloodwork from our life insurance application (where his triglycerides were crazy high) & also get the lab orders for our Hep testing. Thank God.

I'm still a little nervous inside from those hormones that go up when we get nervous, but it's starting to relax a bit! :)

It's amazing that it's only 3 weeks away now. I have always felt like the kind of person that says they'll do something & when it comes down to it... doesn't. If that makes sense. But, it's still sombering that it's come to this.

Of course we're thankful we have options like this & grateful we can partake in this opportunity. But to have so much pressure on one chance is hard. When "normal" fertiles can try every single month. BUT, I'm really staying positive about this & hope we will be blessed with this. And if not this fresh cycle, then a frozen one!

Closer & closer...

Still Pluggin' Along

Yup, just making it day by day until we start IVF.

Got my last Mental Health (nursing) clinical rotation out of the way this weekend. I'm sure it's the wrong attitude to have, but I needed 42/100 points... so that's what I was shooting for. Gonna have to step it up with studying for the last time + final exam, but I sure am slacking this semester. Got junk on my mind! :)

So, my remaining to-do list is...

* get Lupron + PIO Rx filled. Already called Ascend with the other pharmacy's info & should hear back from them sometime today to order/pay for the meds. So, pretty much on it's way to be done.

* get the Hep testing done. Still need to call my PCP to see if she will order the labwork for us & if not, get OOP prices on the testing.

* get the BCPs refilled. Will get that done in about a week, so that it falls within the approx. 28 day schedule for insurance to pick it up. If it does, now that I have the "infertility" mark on my file. We'll see. I'm over worrying about & trying to stay positive.

So, that's pretty much it in a nutshell! Went to the gym for a bit yesterday. I guess you're not supposed to do anything drastic prior to your cycle, but does anyone know if that means you shouldn't exercise at... or just the normal "avoid strenous &/or bouncing exercise while stimming to ET" type thing?

Hope everyone had a nice weekend! :)

Seriously, WalMart?

Since we were headed to WM to get some printer cartridges... since I have a drug classification presentation due... that I have to print out copies for every other student in my clinical group... AND the printer cartridges we have are all old & dried up...

I thought I'd call & ask about how much they charge for the Lupron generic 2 week kit we need. First estimate: $3200. Umm, "I think that's wrong... the specialty pharmacy is only $140". Got put on hold for 10+ minutes, then hung up on. Called back. Within a couple of minutes, I got the final cost: $2275.

Seriously?

I can get it through Ascends for $139 & that includes free overnight shipping!

Crazy, huh?

But, I can check off the antibiotic prescription off my "to do" list. I will be calling to order the Lupron + PIO on Monday. Oh, & calling my PCP to see if they will order the lab work for the Hep testing. If not, hubs can go to the on-campus Quest lab cheap & I will go to the community health center for hopefully cheap, too.

AND...

ONLY 24 MORE DAYS UNTIL WE START IVF!

It's crazy how quickly it's happening.

Still got some clinical paperwork for tomorrow's final Mental Health rotation. I've already gotten the MINIMUM points for the care map (42/100 needed), so I'll probably really slack off on the care map. This class sure is suffering due to the IVF prep! My mind is so not on nursing school!

Have a wonderful Sunday & enjoy sleeping in a bit with the time fall back!