An Update

I've kind of stunk at this updating the blog thing.  Since I'm taking a step back from Facebook, I thought I'd attempt keeping up my blog.

In 2013, we fostered 5 children.  It was chaotic, it was unlike anything I expected... worse AND better than I expected.

We attempted our last try at biological children.  We found out on April 1st that this will not be possible without a true miracle.  We all know how miraculous a conception/pregnancy is, but our's will no longer be pursued in a fertility clinic.  My body is neither producing enough eggs (honestly, I can't even remember how many eggs they retrieved... I think three or four.  Only three were fertilized & made it to day three transfer) or the quality I used to (they all fertilized but none of them were as good as they "normally" were in previous transfers).  I had hoped this would be another miracle, but it wasn't.

April was also the month the first anniversary of our missed due date from the second pregnancy.

So, April is a sad month for me.  :(

Back to fostering, our most recent foster child led to pursuing an adoptive home study that would allow us to have a public adoption through the State system.  We are still waiting on two signatures from our licensing agency (all our work has been done, just final stages of approval).  Once that is done, we will be sending our home study to several counties throughout the State to attempt matching with a child.  Currently, our hearts are geared toward older children at risk to age out of the system.  I'm not sure where this will lead, but we are open.

Our little guy is 4 years old now.  Hard to imagine that, but he is.  He's charming, beautiful, & a true joy.  I'm grateful to have him & amazed at how much I love him. I am so glad that he is the one we are able to parent.

In November, it was 9 years since we first started TT.C.  That makes me feel old.  :)  

Some goals in 2014 are to truly just appreciate the present. I can't control how upset it feels when friends are announcing their 4th, 5th, & 6th pregnancies (Yes... I have at least one friend right now in each of those categories) or how isolated I feel in groups of parents that have more than one child, but I can try to change my perspective.  I still let myself grieve each month or each pregnancy.  I still don't go to baby showers, unless it's someone I know very well or very much want to support & I'm okay with that.  

But, this age, is so much fun.  He's so articulate & energetic & able to participate.  He really is our little buddy.  We are looking forward to camping much more often, taking more trips with him, & enjoying our sweet little family.

If anyone is interested in our fostering experience so far, let me know.  I can't tell much about their situation or events that led them to becoming sheltered by the State, but I can tell my experiences.  We were licensed early December 2012 & since then have had 6 children in & out of our home.  Our most recent child was brought home to us from the hospital (fresh from the womb) & went to her adoptive home on December 20.  The range of emotions fostering has festered inside of me is overwhelming.  But, I'm thrilled to be part of her adoptive story.  In fact, I'll be seeing her today!  We are meeting for lunch in a few hours & I'm looking forward to that.  

{Our last weekend together in early December}

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas & New Years!  

Life Outside of Infertility

I realized that I have only blogged a bit here about our infertility journey because, well, this is my infertility blog.

I follow many of you & have read faithfully for years the blogs that intertwine infertility & your real life.  So, then it hit me, maybe some of you wouldn't mind seeing my updates.

Does that seem selfish of me?  I hope not.

I hope that reading about the other facets of our lives will encourage you... whether you are in a "still waiting" stage of life, "done with treatment, does life go on?" stage, or just "is it really as good as I dream it'll be when I have a child" stage.

I will definitely keep all my archives here as I do hope to do IVF again in the next six months.  I can't help but want to complete any potentially coveraged treatments before really hanging up THOSE stirrups.  And I love being able to read through what happened at each visit & bloodwork appointment, because even though I thought I'd never forget...

I did.

But I will never forget how painful this journey is.  It still hurts to the deepest parts of my heart.  In those quiet moments when I lay beside my amazing son & hear his breathing, then kiss his sweet face.  When I hear of another pregnancy upon pregnancy, it catches my breath.  I have had to run to an empty space many times this year to shed the tears I am too afraid to shed in front of others.

I am so grateful for what I have learned on this journey & am awe of the child I was granted, but I still hate infertility.  I am still so confused as to why we have to endure this torture & never-ending pain.

But, it's not always like that.  It is usually only that painful when I allow myself to feel it.  Most days, I just cherish being able to putter around my house, snuggle with my son, make dinners for his Daddy, serve in our wonderful church, & spend time with the family & friends-that-are-pretty-much-family that live nearby.

Also fair to mention, we are in the final stages of getting our foster home license.  If you've followed me some time, you may remember we took the State course in Fall 2008 that was a precursor to beginning a homestudy.  In Spring 2012, we started the homestudy.  In November 2012, our file was sent to the State for approval.  We are literally weeks away from receiving our license & getting a call to take a foster child into our homes.

I am scared, but I am also excited.  I was very open about what my heart is open to (fostering only, 0-12mths) & everything seems to have worked out so far.  I will be blogging about our fostering, so if that is something you are considering, have done, or are just remotely interested in... Hit up my personal blog.

Without Further Adieu:

A Little Peace of Paradise

Connections

I've been pretty open in the last year about our infertility. I wasn't blasting it on my networking sites (mysp.ace, fac.ebook, etc), but people that I came across in real life.

I wanted people to know it DID hurt. It stills hurts. But, I was sick of the ignoring it. I always thought about it. Always. Would we even have a child? How far were we willing to go? How much money would we spend? Would I be able to stop myself after we spent/cycled/went as far as we planned? And more and more. You all know what I mean.

And I still felt so alone. So, so very alone. Nick could listen, but I was done with talking to him. He didn't feel it the same way I did, so it was easier to cry by myself in the shower. On the way home. On the way to church. In my cubicle at work.

Then I found this section in blog world. I cannot even described the way that THIS connection has helped me. Like, took me from a black, dark, scary spot where I hated myself & my body & my infertility... to being okay with it. For appreciating it, I dare say it. For really being okay with it. For thanking God for each blessing He put in our journey.

Since so many people in real life were praying for us (yes, we begged anyone to pray), I thought it appropriate to update. And, the easiest way, was FB. I knew it would suc.k if we got a BFN, but I knew I needed the support. I needed others to recognize the massive tragedy that occured. Rarely logging onto mys.pace, there were no updates.

Several weeks after we got our BFP, I posted a simple udpate on mysp.ace. "Blessed to be pregnant!" I got a couple of emails that broke my heart. Two girls that I knew in high school (a very small high school, so we were more than acquaintances) congratulated me. I never want to belittle the amazing miracle our pregnancy is, so I shared a recap of our journey.

Both of them have been experiencing infertility. When they responded, I begged them to come onto my website to check out all of the amazing blogs I've linked to. I shared how important this blog has been. I told them to contact me whenever.

During infertility, I sat in our Sunday School class & wondered why NO ONE else I knew went through this. Why I had to be so alone.

Since then I have "discovered" one other girl tried 3 yrs. They were blessed on their 1st cycle of Clomid.

Why do we have to feel so secretive & ashamed about infertility? It infuriates me. All those years of isolation & I may have been able to connect w/ others. During my IVF cycle, I found out there is FINALLY an infertility support group in town. I'd love to go, but now I feel like I don't fit anymore.

I'll never not be an infertile. I have to confess that I'm still upset about having to go through this again for a chance at another child. I feel bad for feeling that way, but would love to have 3+ children... and I DO know how blessed we are to be expecting one. But, it's on my mind.

I feel uncomfortable w/ others talking about our pregnancy. I guess that would seem strange considering all we have been through to get here. Maybe that's why it's easier for me... it was never something we could talk about. But, when they wanna talk only about it... I'm so uncomfortable. I just don't feel like a normal pregnant woman.

All that to say that it saddens me to know that others have suffered alone, too. I'll be meeting with one of the girls Friday. They have four IUIs under their belt & will be trying their last in a month or so. They are dealing with MFI. I hope we start a new connection. Strengthened by a horrible, lonely journey we never dreamed of... I hope we can help each other.

What's Our Story

{Another permalink as an "FYI" for visitors.}

I met hubby in 04/2001. We both worked with different YMCA afterschool programs while attending different colleges. From there, we just began talking, hanging out, & unofficially dating. When I pointed out it was unofficially, he officially asked me to be his girlfriend. I was thrilled to meet someone that was so good with kids, since that was extremely important to me. We both knew we'd like to have children someday...

We continued dating through my graduation (05/2002), then his junior college graduation (05/2003). When deciding on what school to finish his undergrad degree, I think he took my plans into consideration… I planned to move back home. Which, conveniently, had a major state university. So, it was FSU for him.

We married a year later when he told me he was switching universities. I told him I needed a greater commitment to follow him & we were shortly engaged! Then, in the midst of planning a wedding, trying to find a place to live in South Florida, & searching for a job… he decided the best thing to do would be to stay right where he was (like 2 wks before the wedding, can ya tell nothing else was working out for us… jobs, living arrangements). Which was good. I always tease him that he “tricked” me into marrying him.

But, I was definitely pushing him for marriage. I was ready to start my family. When we married (07/2004), I was on birth control. After dealing with the crazy way it affected me, we decided in 11/2004 to go off the stuff. He didn’t want to get pregnant right away since he was still working on his undergrad, but we decided to be open if God would allow it.

A year later & we weren’t pregnant. I went to see my GYN. He pretty much told me that since we were so young & didn’t really “want” to get pregnant (his words, not mine) w/ my husband still in school, that it’s nothing we should worry about. Hmm.

So, 6 months later & we’re still not pregnant. Went to visit him again & he started the basic “work-up”. HaHa. He did a pa.p smear, u/s to check for fibroids. We also had a SA done. That reflected lower, but normal, numbers. We repeated the SA several months later & pretty much were done. My GYN said that was the problem & ignored my requests for further diagnostic tests for endometriosis.

Hubby didn’t ever set up a urology appointment & I tried once (to get the price est, since we knew it wouldn’t be covered), was turned off by the nurse I spoke with & didn’t do any more.

Meanwhile, I’m in the midst of applying for a part-time nursing school program. Got approved in 02/2007 & had to return lots of paperwork verifying my immunizations & such. Which led to lots of communication with my primary care physician (PCP) & a visit. At the visit, I asked for a referral for another GYN to pursue an endo diagnosis. The nurse I spoke with also had endo & was very supportive. By 05/2007, I was meeting with the new GYN. I came armed with all my risk factors, symptoms, “proof” that I should get a lap. I was pretty defensive mentally, but this GYN was completely different. {He is part of a fairly large practice & was the only one that was a member of an infertility association… I know, really, that doesn’t mean anything as far as his experience goes, but I was hoping maybe it meant he was a bit more sensitive.} It didn’t take any arguing or pushing & he was completely responsive to all of my concerns. Since I was beginning classes that month, we decided to schedule my surgery at the end of the summer semester.

In 07/2007, I was diagnosed with endo. He said that in practice they don’t stage it, but since I asked he said it would be either Stage 2 or Stage 3. My bladder & uterus are very close buddies & are still stuck together. Fortunately, at this point, my ovaries were not affected. Had some more adhesions in my cul de sac with most of the removed tissue coming from my left side.

Since my doctor knew we very much wanted to become pregnant (Nick had since finished his undergrad degree & was beginning his grad degree while working), he gave us until 12/2008 to TTC before starting more intensive treatment.

New Years Day 2008, our dreams were crushed again. The next day, I picked up my prescription for Zoladex. Very similar to Lupron, but this is a monthly implant. I also had add-back therapy, which helped a bit. We met with the RE the next week.

RE was willing to attempt IUIs before IVF, which I was relieved to hear. They wanted another SA, too. Our plan, in 01/2008, was to save for IUIs by the end of the year & pursue IVF in Spring 2009. I wasn’t very hopeful about IUIs, which made it easier to take the next bit of news… IUI was out after they processed the SA (03/2008). The count was normal, but on the low end. Motility fine, too. The morphology was 1%. They wanted at least 5% for an IUI. So, IVF it is.

We were still thinking about Spring 2009 as an IVF start date. That changed & by the end of 05/2008, we were scheduling our savings & arranging fundraisers & hoping for an 12/2008 start date. Also had another lap to remove the endo. Told the GYN I wanted it all out. Grossly unsuccessful. Grossly. Spent the night before & morning of my b'day in the hospital for a surgery that basically removed nothing. Doc said he'd pretty much have to do a laparotomy & didn't feel that the increased recoop time was worth the extra removal. So, ute & bladder are still stuck together + my left ovary is being pulled behind my uterus. So much for Zoladex stunting the endo growth. Don't really even have pics from this surgery as the cameras went out during the surgery. Which made a 30/45m surgery 1.5 hrs. Ugh.

From 05/2008- 10/2008, we saved, did several fundraisers (which included T’ware sales, craigslist sales, & yard sales), & also were fortunate enough to receive donations. We had the money by the end of 10/2008. We also began fostering classes to pursue fostering through a local Christian agency at this time.

Our official start date is Nov26, with stims starting on Nov28. We’re looking at a beta test right around Christmas. Ouch.

We are very thankful for the opportunities we have & being able to go through one fresh IVF cycle without debt. We’re excited & nervous.