An Update

I've kind of stunk at this updating the blog thing.  Since I'm taking a step back from Facebook, I thought I'd attempt keeping up my blog.

In 2013, we fostered 5 children.  It was chaotic, it was unlike anything I expected... worse AND better than I expected.

We attempted our last try at biological children.  We found out on April 1st that this will not be possible without a true miracle.  We all know how miraculous a conception/pregnancy is, but our's will no longer be pursued in a fertility clinic.  My body is neither producing enough eggs (honestly, I can't even remember how many eggs they retrieved... I think three or four.  Only three were fertilized & made it to day three transfer) or the quality I used to (they all fertilized but none of them were as good as they "normally" were in previous transfers).  I had hoped this would be another miracle, but it wasn't.

April was also the month the first anniversary of our missed due date from the second pregnancy.

So, April is a sad month for me.  :(

Back to fostering, our most recent foster child led to pursuing an adoptive home study that would allow us to have a public adoption through the State system.  We are still waiting on two signatures from our licensing agency (all our work has been done, just final stages of approval).  Once that is done, we will be sending our home study to several counties throughout the State to attempt matching with a child.  Currently, our hearts are geared toward older children at risk to age out of the system.  I'm not sure where this will lead, but we are open.

Our little guy is 4 years old now.  Hard to imagine that, but he is.  He's charming, beautiful, & a true joy.  I'm grateful to have him & amazed at how much I love him. I am so glad that he is the one we are able to parent.

In November, it was 9 years since we first started TT.C.  That makes me feel old.  :)  

Some goals in 2014 are to truly just appreciate the present. I can't control how upset it feels when friends are announcing their 4th, 5th, & 6th pregnancies (Yes... I have at least one friend right now in each of those categories) or how isolated I feel in groups of parents that have more than one child, but I can try to change my perspective.  I still let myself grieve each month or each pregnancy.  I still don't go to baby showers, unless it's someone I know very well or very much want to support & I'm okay with that.  

But, this age, is so much fun.  He's so articulate & energetic & able to participate.  He really is our little buddy.  We are looking forward to camping much more often, taking more trips with him, & enjoying our sweet little family.

If anyone is interested in our fostering experience so far, let me know.  I can't tell much about their situation or events that led them to becoming sheltered by the State, but I can tell my experiences.  We were licensed early December 2012 & since then have had 6 children in & out of our home.  Our most recent child was brought home to us from the hospital (fresh from the womb) & went to her adoptive home on December 20.  The range of emotions fostering has festered inside of me is overwhelming.  But, I'm thrilled to be part of her adoptive story.  In fact, I'll be seeing her today!  We are meeting for lunch in a few hours & I'm looking forward to that.  

{Our last weekend together in early December}

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas & New Years!  

My Baby

A few weeks ago, some dear friends that also happen to be amazing photographers snapped a few shots of my little one. {Tanya, if you see this, please don't be upset... since I will get access to the digital file, I "borrowed" this low rez from the Facebook page to brag!}

He was way more interested in playing with the baby chickens than smiling, but he was still cute as ever.


It's amazing how beautiful he is. I know I have mommy-goggles on, but I just adore this little boy. He is such an incredible miracle & he is more than I ever could have expected or asked for. As sad as I feel approaching our unfulfilled due date, I am humbled by the honor to be this little guy's Momma.

He has my heart.

Hope you all are enjoying this restful weekend & may Easter be sweet & peaceful.

Portraits by Douglas Photography

Still Kicking

Well, a bit of an update is due, I would say.

The day we found out the baby to be was not really to be, I had blood drawn to check my hCG, progesterone, & estrogen levels. When we were almost back "in town" from the drive, I got a call from the clinic. My beta was absolutely zero. She seemed shocked that I hadn't had any spotting or bleeding. My progesterone + estrogen levels were good by what she said. I didn't ask numbers, but did ask her if going to the progesterone supps (from PIO) could have caused the m/c. She said no. She also confirmed to stop all hormonal support.

I also asked when we could cycle again. We have frozen eggs from this past IVF cycle. The cycle is still more labor intensive than a frozen embryo cycle, but not nearly as invasive as a fresh cycle. It would require a visit on like day 12, then DH on day 13, then a ET on day 15. The paper says they only do 2d transfers from frozen egg/oocyte cycles.

Which got me to thinking. Maybe we can try another fresh IVF cycle. We have some coverage left from IVF#2 & it is embarrassing how much the clinic "negotiates" the ER/ET fees with my insurance company. So, it seems for another fresh cycle, we'd have less than $2,000 out of pocket. If we wait until the beginning of the year, we'd have that amount to pay towards our deductible & be covered for me for the rest of the year. And DH's company reimburses half of it back. So, that is an option for us.

Honestly, though, I'm not sure I'm ready to do another cycle. Or anything for that matter. When do we just say enough is enough & count our blessings? Clear the baby tubs full of clothes & closets full of furniture/gear we may be able to use "one day"? I don't know. For me, it seems like it'll be by March of next year. Our area has a local consignment (HUGE) sale twice a year. The next one will be in March-ish & I could trade in these baby items for some cash we can use on the (two year old) baby we DO have now. We'll see. I'm ready to cut the ties (I think?) & DH wants to hold onto the stuff.

I'm not emotionally ready for adoption & the vulnerability it carries with it. The application/home study process is intimidating & the price tag is ridiculous. Who am I kidding? You all know that.

We have prayed lots & cried lots & received lots of support from family + friends. I don't know why we were given that positive only to have it taken away. "Fortunately", only a handful of people knew we were pregnant, so it didn't take much to make them all aware of the loss. I haven't really talked to anyone about it face-to-face. I just can't get through it. The quiet moments when I realize I would be X number of weeks along, or the Facebook announcements of pregnancies due dates from our little one's, or just any quiet time, really. I have cried nearly every day about this loss.


I feel as though I'm in limbo right now. And I'm not feeling any guidance on what direction to take. For now, we just sit. And wait. And hope. And pray. And hurt.

And hold onto the little miracle we've been graced with.

Little Moments

I feel more comfortable coming back to this blog & writing more. Maybe it's cuz we are considering our second IVF or I've been stalking my IF buddies blogs or I've encountered so many other women going through IF. Anyway, it's good to be back. I'll be more active, I promise.

It’s amazing seeing all the ways Elias is developing! He’s definitely starting the imitation stuff. Last week, he used my phone in the “right” way. He grabbed it & held it up to his ear & even chatted! He also used a MegaBlock as a phone, too! Today, he found a small comb in the bathroom cabinet. He handed it to me, so I combed his hair a bit. When he got it back, he immediately used it to try to comb the back of his head! He copies us anytime we laugh or cough or sing or dance. It is so fun!

He has been pretty much on a nursing marathon kick now. When Nick has him while I work, he barely takes 6 or 7 ounces of breastmilk from a bottle… yet he nurses many MANY times during the day still. I read recently that over 8-10 months, the baby may refuse the bottle & only nurse straight from the source. He does a bit of both. Nick said he gets super playful with the bottle & offers it to Nick, then takes it back, then offers it again.

I’ve been using a washcloth to clean his teeth. He loves it & loves to bite down. He thinks it’s funny, too, if Nick or I hold it in our mouth & shake it around. He grabs it away, then shoves it back towards our mouth.

Elias does so many funny things with such personality. He’s been walking over a month now & it didn’t take long for him to STOP crawling! I miss his crawling. He kept one leg bent & the other straight. Made it super easy to sit up from crawling! And he was so quick! I don’t think he’s quite as quick walking now, but he’s getting there. He fights being in the cart @ Target & just wants to walk & be free the whole time. This can be a bit frustrating to Momma.

Little Man loves climbing up into cabinets (since we may be switching houses soon, we haven’t installed all the cabinet baby-proofing door pieces). He loves doors & swinging them back & forth. He loves looking at himself in the mirror. He loves dancing with his arms & twirling in a circle. He loves his sippy cup, but never actually drinks much from it. He still adores water. We have been to the water park several times this summer & he is unstoppable! He wears me out!

Guess that’s about it for now! Will journal more of E’s great little characteristics!! :)

{DUCK: Will miss seeing your updates, but loved seeing all the posts about little Monkey & Giraffe! Good to know you'll still be "out there".}

I'll leave you with a couple of pictures from the last couple of months...

Nick's Dad has many tractors & here's E's first perch on one of them!

We went on vacation the week of Memorial Day & looped around Florida visiting family. We stopped in St. Augustine on the way back & we all ate. Elias must be moving his leg at all times. Napping, sitting, nursing. He kept putting his foot on the table, even though I moved it MANY times. I thought it would be cute to have Nick snap a shot. He just turned 9mths old.

The oil leak is definitely affecting parts of our coast, but thankfully it hasn't the beaches that are closest to me. This is @ St. George Island right about the time E turned 10mths old. He loved the beach & crawled ALL OVER the place in the sand! :) {This is also one of the cloth diapers we use as a swim diaper; a GroBaby... LOVE them!}

Nearing 12mths

Not sure if this will work, but I wanted to share some photos of our little guy...

Family Pictures

If that doesn't work, here's a couple of my favorites...



Planning a tractor-themed birthday party for the end of August & I'm still blessed to be staying @ home with my little guy. I recently started working as a shift supervisor @ a local nursing home; it's every other weekend, 16hrs/wkd. It's still very hard leaving E, but I am happy to be able to contribute some money to the family budget. We are in the middle of trying to sell our house & purchase another home through a short sale. It's been a bit crazy, but we're hoping it'll work out. If not, that's okay!

I still check all my buddy blogs, but don't comment as much. I'm sorry. I will be better about this...

We are already talking IVF#2. Possibly starting in the Spring. We have to be weaned for at least 3mths due to my prolactin levels being too high to give us the best chance of pregnancy.

Some Pictures to Share

I am getting back into the internet world... Here's a recent post from our family blog. Elias is about 3.5 months old now! Crazy how big he is now! :)

We snapped several pictures of little bit last night during the party & afterwards...

Peanuts from Daddy...



He's discovered Daddy's hairy face & loved pulling on his beard!


And, I never would have thought of buying something like this for him, but my wonderful cousin, Heather, gave him this... HE LOVES IT!!


A hilarious face Elias made when leaving...


Showing off his shirt. He loves the Bumbo!



And good night kisses from Daddy... he opens his mouth up every time he knows you're going to kiss him! So cute!


Also, we found out that our new insurance will cover IUI & IVF after the deductible (only $2k) is met! How awesome! So, we just may have more chances at another child! I'm so excited!