Connections

I've been pretty open in the last year about our infertility. I wasn't blasting it on my networking sites (mysp.ace, fac.ebook, etc), but people that I came across in real life.

I wanted people to know it DID hurt. It stills hurts. But, I was sick of the ignoring it. I always thought about it. Always. Would we even have a child? How far were we willing to go? How much money would we spend? Would I be able to stop myself after we spent/cycled/went as far as we planned? And more and more. You all know what I mean.

And I still felt so alone. So, so very alone. Nick could listen, but I was done with talking to him. He didn't feel it the same way I did, so it was easier to cry by myself in the shower. On the way home. On the way to church. In my cubicle at work.

Then I found this section in blog world. I cannot even described the way that THIS connection has helped me. Like, took me from a black, dark, scary spot where I hated myself & my body & my infertility... to being okay with it. For appreciating it, I dare say it. For really being okay with it. For thanking God for each blessing He put in our journey.

Since so many people in real life were praying for us (yes, we begged anyone to pray), I thought it appropriate to update. And, the easiest way, was FB. I knew it would suc.k if we got a BFN, but I knew I needed the support. I needed others to recognize the massive tragedy that occured. Rarely logging onto mys.pace, there were no updates.

Several weeks after we got our BFP, I posted a simple udpate on mysp.ace. "Blessed to be pregnant!" I got a couple of emails that broke my heart. Two girls that I knew in high school (a very small high school, so we were more than acquaintances) congratulated me. I never want to belittle the amazing miracle our pregnancy is, so I shared a recap of our journey.

Both of them have been experiencing infertility. When they responded, I begged them to come onto my website to check out all of the amazing blogs I've linked to. I shared how important this blog has been. I told them to contact me whenever.

During infertility, I sat in our Sunday School class & wondered why NO ONE else I knew went through this. Why I had to be so alone.

Since then I have "discovered" one other girl tried 3 yrs. They were blessed on their 1st cycle of Clomid.

Why do we have to feel so secretive & ashamed about infertility? It infuriates me. All those years of isolation & I may have been able to connect w/ others. During my IVF cycle, I found out there is FINALLY an infertility support group in town. I'd love to go, but now I feel like I don't fit anymore.

I'll never not be an infertile. I have to confess that I'm still upset about having to go through this again for a chance at another child. I feel bad for feeling that way, but would love to have 3+ children... and I DO know how blessed we are to be expecting one. But, it's on my mind.

I feel uncomfortable w/ others talking about our pregnancy. I guess that would seem strange considering all we have been through to get here. Maybe that's why it's easier for me... it was never something we could talk about. But, when they wanna talk only about it... I'm so uncomfortable. I just don't feel like a normal pregnant woman.

All that to say that it saddens me to know that others have suffered alone, too. I'll be meeting with one of the girls Friday. They have four IUIs under their belt & will be trying their last in a month or so. They are dealing with MFI. I hope we start a new connection. Strengthened by a horrible, lonely journey we never dreamed of... I hope we can help each other.

Done w/ Shots!

This morning was my last PIO. So, 6wks+1day of those things. They didn't really start to be bothersome until 5wks, so I'm thankful for that. The RE had told me at the 6.5wk u/s that I could just stop the PIO + estrogen patches when I ran out of PIO, but I was nervous about stopping them cold turkey.

So, I called Tuesday & spoke to a nurse. She told me the main reason for tapering the hormones off is to avoid headaches. I just feel it's better to be safe than sorry. I know there's still a chance I could lose this little baby, but I don't want to wonder if it was because I dropped the hormones too quickly.

Which means, I'm on su.ppositories 3x/day until wk9, then 2x/day until wk10, & finally 1x/wk until wk11. Same with the estrogen patches, but not nearly as many! I think I continue the 2patches/2days until wk10, then down to 1patch/2days until wk11. {I have it written down somewhere...}

I'm doing pretty well over here, other than the below & in 20s weather we're experiencing in our part of Florida. Since it began getting cooler right in the beginning of the IVF cycle, I wasn't comfortable buying any propane for the heating. Now, we're out of the cycle, & I'm trying to save money by still not getting any propane, but these temps sure suc.k! We have a space heater + a wonderful heating blanket (that I learned almost as soon as we found out about the pregnancy, I can only keep it on a low temp during the night so as not to increase my body temp... had never even THOUGHT of something like that, but glad I found out early). But, the mornings getting dressed & out the door... are rough for me. I think I'm gonna grab some gloves to have just for that! :)

Enough whining, though. I'm looking forward to the spring & summer temps!

I still haven't thrown up & I'm feeling less & less nauseas in the past couple of weeks. I am very thankful for that. Except for being tired & the occasional cramp or pulling in my abdomen, I don't "feel" pregnant. I remember reading those kind of comments... that before, I was grasping at any kind of symptom to mean I was pregnant. And once it's here, not much of anything.

We have our 1st appt with the OB's office next Friday. This will be an orientation w/ the nurse just for Q&As &, I guess, getting info from us. I think our chart from the RE would have most of that, but I'm looking forward to asking questions. Then, a week and a half later, we have our 1st appt with the doctor. This is the same doctor that has been treating my endo. We like him. We were told we'll probably do another u/s at that time; we'll be 11 wks that day & off supplemental hormones.

Sorry to not be posting very often. I guess there's not too much happening. Thinking of you all... been reading, but not commenting as much. I will change that!! Hope you have a wonderful Thursday!

Lotsa Pictures

Since I have uploaded most of these to Facebook, I guess I just thought I'd uploaded them here, too... but, alas, I have not. So, if you're uninterested or they may be too painful, please don't feel bad for skipping this post.

Thanks so much for all the wonderful comments. We were kind of surprised there was only one little one, too, due to the higher betas. W/out voicing that opinion, the doctor started out with mentioning there could be one due to the higher betas & then during the ultrasound even said that maybe we had 2 implant @ first & lost the second. Kind of upsetting to hear that, but I'm trying to not to wonder what I may have done wrong. I know it's probably not like that, it's usually some sort genetic thing.

{We had to head to Jax for our final monitoring appt & needed to stay overnight before. Here's Nick mixing the stuff up.}


{My light dinner the night before the egg retrieval... heehee.}

{Updating my blog on the way home after the egg retrieval.}

{Day of the transfer...}

{After the transfer...}

Perfect! JUST Perfect! :)

We just got back from our ultrasound & are on our way back from Jacksonville.

There is one baby & s/he's measurements were all precisely on track. We saw the little heartbeat & even got a picture or two to take home with us.

Since we are self-pay & there was not a multiple pregnancy, we were released to our local OB. Which is nice... I'm happy to have a local doctor to speak with just in case & it'll be nice to not have to drive 3+ hrs to the doctor! :)

Wanted to hop in & give the news... got lots of people to update now!

I am so freaking excited. Like shaky, crazy happy, goofy smiles... wow. A little baby.

A Bit Nervous

About tomorrow's ultrasound.

I sure hope the baby is growing appropriately. I haven't felt as nauseaus this week, so it makes me worried. Shouldn't, I'm sure... but it does.

Our appointment is at 9:30 tomorrow morning. We head out at 6:00 for Jax. Hopefully they will release us after tomorrow's appt... is that normal or will they try to force us to come back there again before releasing us? What has been your experience with your clinic? If it were just a copay + the drive over there, I may not mind as much. But knowing it's still out of pocket & I could have a local doctor to see, really makes me want to be released tomorrow.

Have class until after 9pm tonight, so I won't be able to float to blogs tonight... or, maybe I could... :) Hope you all have a wonderful Thursday evening.

Waiting

I feel as though there's not too much to update, but there's so much going on in my brain.

I've been thinking about getting a Bella Band & there's only one place here in town that carries them. Since I only had to work a couple of hours today, I headed to the doctor's office afterwards (for a required TB test for nursing school). Was STARVING, so I dropped by ChickFilA for lunch. I'd been craving it since Saturday. My body reacted a bit negatively to the fries later... LOL. Then headed to the "boutique". Sounds so snobby. But, the owner was really sweet. They carry some cloth diapers, but not the brand I am interested in. They do, however, offer birthing, bre.astfeeding, cloth diapering classes plus others. That interested me. All that to say, I finally got one. Went with white since it'll work with any outfit. I can always get another one later one. Was really happy they offered samples to try on since I was kind of in between sizes.

How boring can I be? :)

Still crazy nervous & excited about Friday's appointment. If all goes well, I really hope the RE will release me to the OB. I will feel more relaxed knowing there is a local doctor I can call if I have questions or concerns.

Tomorrow will mark 6wks.

Not Much

We had a great time at the New Years Eve party/bonfire/movie/grill-out.

I have to keep reminding myself to relax when it comes to this pregnancy thing. I keep wondering if something is wrong. If we will make it to the ultrasound next week & have horrible news. Then, I wonder how we will feel if everything is heading along "as normal" & how amazing it will be to see this little living human inside me.

I keep thinking of entries for my baby journal. For some reason, they never make it to paper. Maybe it's cuz I'm lazy or maybe it's cuz I just wanna wait to see/hear that little heartbeat first.

But, I'm already so in love. I pray daily for these little ones (I continue to refer to them in plural, since we did transfer three... although, it is very likely there is only one.) & that God will provide me with the strength to do all I can to provide them with the best chance at life. That He will guide us through & beyond the pregnancy. That He will protect them in utero.

We have church tomorrow, then some light shopping to splurge with some giftcards we got for Christmas. Then, it's a 2hr day at work on Monday. Yay! (Pretty good since I've pretty much needed a nap like every day this week!) Then, work on Tuesday & classes start back on Wednesday, then another on Thursday... then Friday we head to Jax! Typing it all out seems to make it less time in my mind!

We are really excited about 2009 & all of the potential it holds. A new life, we could both finish our degrees. Pretty exciting.

And, as part of my documenting goes, my symptoms so far are nausea (but no vomiting yet) after eating too much or in the evenings, extreme tiredness (I can still function, but I want nothing more than to lay down), & the girls are a bit more fuller & growing. Not too painful, except right when I wake up. We're 5w4d.