Still Kicking

Well, a bit of an update is due, I would say.

The day we found out the baby to be was not really to be, I had blood drawn to check my hCG, progesterone, & estrogen levels. When we were almost back "in town" from the drive, I got a call from the clinic. My beta was absolutely zero. She seemed shocked that I hadn't had any spotting or bleeding. My progesterone + estrogen levels were good by what she said. I didn't ask numbers, but did ask her if going to the progesterone supps (from PIO) could have caused the m/c. She said no. She also confirmed to stop all hormonal support.

I also asked when we could cycle again. We have frozen eggs from this past IVF cycle. The cycle is still more labor intensive than a frozen embryo cycle, but not nearly as invasive as a fresh cycle. It would require a visit on like day 12, then DH on day 13, then a ET on day 15. The paper says they only do 2d transfers from frozen egg/oocyte cycles.

Which got me to thinking. Maybe we can try another fresh IVF cycle. We have some coverage left from IVF#2 & it is embarrassing how much the clinic "negotiates" the ER/ET fees with my insurance company. So, it seems for another fresh cycle, we'd have less than $2,000 out of pocket. If we wait until the beginning of the year, we'd have that amount to pay towards our deductible & be covered for me for the rest of the year. And DH's company reimburses half of it back. So, that is an option for us.

Honestly, though, I'm not sure I'm ready to do another cycle. Or anything for that matter. When do we just say enough is enough & count our blessings? Clear the baby tubs full of clothes & closets full of furniture/gear we may be able to use "one day"? I don't know. For me, it seems like it'll be by March of next year. Our area has a local consignment (HUGE) sale twice a year. The next one will be in March-ish & I could trade in these baby items for some cash we can use on the (two year old) baby we DO have now. We'll see. I'm ready to cut the ties (I think?) & DH wants to hold onto the stuff.

I'm not emotionally ready for adoption & the vulnerability it carries with it. The application/home study process is intimidating & the price tag is ridiculous. Who am I kidding? You all know that.

We have prayed lots & cried lots & received lots of support from family + friends. I don't know why we were given that positive only to have it taken away. "Fortunately", only a handful of people knew we were pregnant, so it didn't take much to make them all aware of the loss. I haven't really talked to anyone about it face-to-face. I just can't get through it. The quiet moments when I realize I would be X number of weeks along, or the Facebook announcements of pregnancies due dates from our little one's, or just any quiet time, really. I have cried nearly every day about this loss.


I feel as though I'm in limbo right now. And I'm not feeling any guidance on what direction to take. For now, we just sit. And wait. And hope. And pray. And hurt.

And hold onto the little miracle we've been graced with.