9dp5dt: Less Than 24hrs to beta

Well, I had 10hrs worth of p.ee in my bladder this morning, but I didn't POAS. I wanted to, but I wanted NOT to more.

I am coming to terms with a negative. I would truly be shocked if it was positive. Honestly. This isn't a mechanism to trick myself to deal with it.

And I'm kind of becoming okay with it.

I can clear out the extra bedroom. I have tubs of girls clothes passed down from my nieces when they were babies. They are 9 and 7.5 yrs old. That's a long time. I have many more tubs of stuff from E's younger days. There is a huge consignment sale in October & I could sell so much of this & put it towards clothes in the next sizes up. It could be cleared out in less than 2mths & we could have a fresh start in that room. No more holding onto the possibility of another child.

We do have five oocytes/eggs on ice, though. With a $3,000+ price tag for transfer & considering the "best" looking three eggs were fertilized... I am afraid of getting my hopes up. And, with me not working, it will take a while to build up that much extra savings. Our initial home was rented out last year when we purchased our current home. We haven't had tenants in it since the last of June. That was "okay" as I always paid the next month's mortgage with the current month's rent payment & due to the contract breech the tenants had, we were able to keep the security deposit... so that was August's mortgage payment. We can squeeze the money out of the budget, but it would be very hard. We've had little response on renting it out & have had several times where we thought it was rented out...

I know I don't normally talk about non-IF stuff... that's why there wasn't too much posting between IVF#1 & IVF#2. But, it's been weighing on my heart the closer we get to September. I worked full time nights as a Labor & Delivery nurse for 7+mths to rebuild our savings, pay for some home renovations, & build up short term cash savings for IVF expenses. The surgery has made a dent in it & we will owe money to the fertility clinic over what the insurance DID cover.

Days like today... when I am reminded what all of us have to go through for a chance- a 40-60% chance, if we're "lucky"- I get pretty frustrated with it all.

Like a friend that has two sweet girls & made sure to add the disclaimer "I mean, I love them" then tells how she made sure there was no way she'd ever have another child. Ever. Ever. Ever.

I sometimes regret quitting my job, but then remember why I quit. I was not connecting with or giving any of my best to my child. The child we spent years dreaming of & working towards & hoping for & praying for. I was spending my best self on women having children that they didn't seem to care for. And I became much more bitter. Like bitter-before-I-birthed-my-own-blessing.

And, it's not all doom & gloom. We do have savings to fall back on. And we do have the income to cover the extra mortgage payment. But, that doesn't mean it doesn't su.ck. We could very quickly bounce back with a frozen oocyte fert & transfer for one last chance. But, now... maybe a year from now? Is it worth it? For the reduced chances, too? Either way, we ARE blessed. We are grateful & amazed at the miracle we were given with just one IVF.

All of this going through my brain right now. But, I guess I need to wait until we know what the beta shows tomorrow. Then I can start clearing the stuff. Feel relieved to get rid of stuff & feel like I'm accomplishing something. And I could paint walls to make our home feel more like OUR home.

Our FOUR bedroom house. That seems to forever have TWO extra rooms that won't be filled. I feel so silly for having bought such a large house for just the three of us.

Less than 24hrs to beta result. I plan to have my beta drawn by 8am. The STAT results will be sent to the clinic, then I assume they have their 1p cycle-review meeting, then start making the calls. But, they close at 4p, so I should know by then.

Hope to go to sleep earlier & have less time to think about it.

8dp5dt

Didn't post yesterday. I was hoping to post at least a little bit for every day of this cycle, but it didn't happen yesterday.

I woke to the middle of a dream where I had JUST POAS & got a BFP. So, even though I decided I wasn't going to test Saturday when I had laid my head to sleep Friday night (got that?)... this dream had it fresh in my mind, so I did on Saturday morning (7dp5dt).

And there was only one line.

I know, I know... cuz I have googled the heck out of it. It could be too early, so it could be a false negative. Kinda took my hope away.

Was still cramping off & on yesterday. No nausea yesterday.

Today, I woke up with painful cramps. But, & this is weird & possibly explainable, after I voided my bladder... the painful cramps subsided. It has happened several days this week that the cramps eased off after I p.eed. Makes sense as a full bladder can put pressure on the uterus. Hence, having to have a full bladder for transfer or those ultrasounds if you're lucky enough to make it to the full anatomy scan at 18-20wks. Also, my endometriosis has fused my bladder & uterus together, so this is all how I explain the reduction in cramps following a po.tty visit.

Silly, I know.

I had considered taking another HPT this am, but it just didn't happen. It has been a rough couple of months, yall. Seriously. There was a point during the stim cycle that I wasn't even sure we'd make it to egg retrieval together. Somehow, that passed. Now, I'm not sure how much more we will make it through.

On the plus side, if it is a negative beta (on Tuesday... much closer now), then I will have a full bottle of PIO & a left over g.anirelex to try to get to someone else. That might bring enough money to pay for a pedicure.

At this point, my plan is to not POAS prior to beta. It is what it is & I honestly feel it has not worked. Up until yesterday, I had hopes. Now, I don't. And that is okay... we will keep trucking along with the most amazing son I could ever imagine.

Hope you all have a wonderful Monday

6dp5dt

Just wanted to pop in really quick before going to sleep.

Today was a bit more nausea, a little bit of dizziness, hot flashes, & achy cramps. Definitely some side effects of the PIO. Maybe something else? We hope so.

Went to a birthday party tonight & we stayed over pretty late... at nearly 11p, I realized we hadn't done our PIO! We usually do it between 8-9p. Hoping this won't ruin anything. Please tell me it won't...

A Symptom? At 5dp5dt

On my walk to the van to head to MIL's, it hit me.

A wave of nausea! Just like the nausea I would get when I was in early pregnancy & waited too long to eat meals. Then, the irony hit me, today is the same cycle day that I got nauseaus last time (7dp3dt). In fact, it prompted me to take the HPT the next morning. That ended up being negative! Which is why I will probably wait until Saturday or better yet Sunday!

I awoke this morning with more painful cramps. They subsided throughout the morning, then revisited me after our afternoon nap.

I am sure it is paranoia, but I am very sensitive to the laundry detergent we just bought. After years of perfume-free detergent! It knocks me over when I walk by the laundry area.

Now I know this can still mean it didn't work, but it seems a bit more hopeful. Still got right under 5 days until beta results.

Tired of Me Yet? (AKA 4dp5dt)

Can't say too much as far as symptoms go... random achy or stretchy cramps still. My hips are still super tender from the PIO shots. Less than a week until beta.

Have done lots of Google-ing. Then tonight, I realized I was missing out on a slew of results & began searching 4.5dp5dt! :) Still not sure when I will POAS... probably Saturday morning. I am guessing based on the same dates as the first IVF.

I have been dealing with several non-IF convictions & issues during this 2ww. Lots of things that have made me think. Lot.

Guess that is about it... heading to bed now. Praying for those little embabies & my own sweet boy. We have been having a slumber party downstairs since the transfer. This afternoon was my first trip upstairs since transfer, but only cuz I had to. Silly, but I just am paranoid about it. I know those little ones would have already implanted if they would have, but it's a mental block.

Hope you all have a good night.

Recap of 3dp5dt

Well, I woke up this morning with painful cramps. As a nurse, I always think on the 0-10 scale... I assume everyone else is familiar with it. Day 1-2 post transfer, I would rate my pain level a 1 or 2. This morning, it was a 3 or 4 at least. Enough to consider taking a Tylenol or two just to help relieve the discomfort. Also googled the heck out of what others experienced 3dp transfer! :)

I have come across a surromom forum that they test crazy, like 2dp5dt! No fear! LOL Many have even gotten BFPs on 4dp5dt! Almost makes me want to test tomorrow, but I just don't have the kahoonies to. ;) I am considering 5dp5dt and possibly 7dp5dt. Last time, I got a negative at 8dp3dt then a positive at 10dp3dt. So, a bit scared to. We will see.

The cramps subsided later this morning & I had some random stretchy pain throughout the day. My hips are getting pretty tender from all the PIO shots. Tonight we graduated from 1mL to 2mL. I still get super hot sometimes.

We went into town this evening for some super cheap ChickFilA & a quick trip to Publix. I snagged some Goldfish Sandwich Bread packages for E's birthday party in less than 2wks... they are so cute! About 50% off, too. We are planning a S.plish Spla.sh Bash. Just a bunch of water toys, splash pools, & cute food! ;) We need to take care of the fire ant issue, but hopefully one yard treatment will do it! Hoping this will take my mind off a BFN or the wait to an u/s if we get a BFP!

Will head to bed.

2dp5dt

Still feeling crampy & achy. Less ovarian pain. My MIL came today go help pass the time & she will probably come tomorrow, too, so we can all go grocery shopping. Talking with her + watching movies helped keep my mind on what might be happening.

I also made dinner... nothing fancy. Spaghetti, bread, & Caesar salad. I was nearly finished when I felt a bit like I was "purposefully sweating" ;) so I rested a couple of minutes. I am not sure, but I think I am having hot flashes from the PIO?

Speaking of which... hubby has already headed upstairs to bed & we need to do the shot! Glad I remembered. Oh, and I still haven't ventured upstairs since the transfer. I know, crazy.

G'night all!